Slowly, Surely.....

"Slowly surely, I walk away from that old desperate and dazed love caught up in the maze of love the crazy craze of love, thought it was good, thought it was real, thought it was, but it wasn't love I just don't know Where i should go So Slowly surely I walk away from self-serving undeserving constantly hurting me love deserting me love you said, I said, we said but Slowly surely I walk away from confusing love misusing love abusing love this can't be Slowly surely I walk away from self serving undeserving constantly hurting me love I just don't know where I should go No I just don't know know, know, know Where I should go so...."

I went to the Jill Scott concert last night....and as she sang the above lyrics I almost cried....First off, Ms. Jill Scott is PHENOMENAL!!! and the concert was just off the hook!! If you don't get down with this artist....you should start....she spits TRUTH!!!! and if you ever have the opportunity to see her in person you should....SIMPLY GOOD MUSIC!!!.....So back to the lyrics.....As i internalized these words I realized that what she was saying was a mirror of the direction that I want to move....where my live is going right now. Music has a way of bringing so much to the surface.

Slowly,surely.....I'm letting go of past crap...stuff people have said and done to me...I'm trying to move past it. There is so much i confused for like/love...from so many different directions...my dad, the long string of guys, fake friends, myself..."thought is was good, thought is was real, thought it was, but it wasn't love" Those are some serious words right there.... Have you ever been in such a blur that it becomes reality. It becomes the story of your life....that is completely made up in your head.....because you couldn't move past it...does that sound crazy? That is the only way I can say it.... "i walk away from..."

So where am I walking towards? "I just don't know...where I should go..."

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague of mine today.....it was a little scary being that she is 10 years my senior...but her life is exactly where mine is: Single, successful, got some baggage...but fly...so fly....I couldn't help but think....is this what I am walking towards? "slowly, surely..." At 37 yrs old I would hope that I am not in that same state as I am today....older and wiser but still longing for the completion?....But, what struck me the most about her and our conversation was the faith she had.....that there was a bigger plan and she....and even me....need to sit back and relax....let things come to me. Stop getting caught up in the blur...in the analyzing, the self deprecating behavior.....submit to the fact that a higher power has a plan for us and stop trying to mess with it. Why do I insist on questioning and messing with destiny....when humans and human behavior are involved...the reality is...you have NO power over it.....so let go.....

Every time I think about what I don't have....i forget...all the stuff i do have:
-I breathe
-I can think
-I have use of my body and all my faculties
-I have traveled
-I eat, drink, and sometimes I'm even merry :)
-I can get from here to there
-I have my mom and she is soooo fly
-I have a sibling to look up to and sometimes I think she looks up to me too :)
-I have job....no not a job....A CAREER
-I have goals and dreams.....and the capacity to make them reality
-I think...for myself

This list can go on and on.....the reality is that I have more in the plus column than I do in the minus....i gotta stop dwelling in the minus....slowly, surely....i gotta have a little more faith....slowly, surely....I need to put myself out in the world...on my own terms...slowly, surely...I need to stop being afraid and frustrated....slowly, surely......and as i walk away from the old, and embrace the new...I pray that I can tell the difference.....

It's short tonite....i think i said something....something kinda deep.....i think they call this an epiphany....:)

Get at me...