Monday, June 30, 2008
I went to the Jill Scott concert last night....and as she sang the above lyrics I almost cried....First off, Ms. Jill Scott is PHENOMENAL!!! and the concert was just off the hook!! If you don't get down with this artist....you should start....she spits TRUTH!!!! and if you ever have the opportunity to see her in person you should....SIMPLY GOOD MUSIC!!!.....So back to the lyrics.....As i internalized these words I realized that what she was saying was a mirror of the direction that I want to move....where my live is going right now. Music has a way of bringing so much to the surface.
Slowly,surely.....I'm letting go of past crap...stuff people have said and done to me...I'm trying to move past it. There is so much i confused for like/love...from so many different directions...my dad, the long string of guys, fake friends, myself..."thought is was good, thought is was real, thought it was, but it wasn't love" Those are some serious words right there.... Have you ever been in such a blur that it becomes reality. It becomes the story of your life....that is completely made up in your head.....because you couldn't move past it...does that sound crazy? That is the only way I can say it.... "i walk away from..."
So where am I walking towards? "I just don't know...where I should go..."
I had an interesting conversation with a colleague of mine today.....it was a little scary being that she is 10 years my senior...but her life is exactly where mine is: Single, successful, got some baggage...but fly...so fly....I couldn't help but think....is this what I am walking towards? "slowly, surely..." At 37 yrs old I would hope that I am not in that same state as I am today....older and wiser but still longing for the completion?....But, what struck me the most about her and our conversation was the faith she had.....that there was a bigger plan and she....and even me....need to sit back and relax....let things come to me. Stop getting caught up in the blur...in the analyzing, the self deprecating behavior.....submit to the fact that a higher power has a plan for us and stop trying to mess with it. Why do I insist on questioning and messing with destiny....when humans and human behavior are involved...the reality is...you have NO power over it.....so let go.....
Every time I think about what I don't have....i forget...all the stuff i do have:
-I can think
-I have use of my body and all my faculties
-I have traveled
-I eat, drink, and sometimes I'm even merry :)
-I can get from here to there
-I have my mom and she is soooo fly
-I have a sibling to look up to and sometimes I think she looks up to me too :)
-I have job....no not a job....A CAREER
-I have goals and dreams.....and the capacity to make them reality
-I think...for myself
This list can go on and on.....the reality is that I have more in the plus column than I do in the minus....i gotta stop dwelling in the minus....slowly, surely....i gotta have a little more faith....slowly, surely....I need to put myself out in the world...on my own terms...slowly, surely...I need to stop being afraid and frustrated....slowly, surely......and as i walk away from the old, and embrace the new...I pray that I can tell the difference.....
It's short tonite....i think i said something....something kinda deep.....i think they call this an epiphany....:)
Get at me...
Saturday, June 21, 2008
So imagine my horror, when this afternoon....she malfunctioned...hard. I scooped her up in my arms...cradled her....asked her gently what was wrong and to show me where is hurt so I could make it feel better....and to no avail....I had to rush her to the hospital....also known as Best Buy.
With service plan in hand I walked right up to the Geek Squad counter and the first thing out of my mouth was, "Fix her...NOW!" The service guy looked at me, unamused and took me through a series of questions...poked and prodded my machine and $222.10 later....he told me she had several viruses, trojans, and spyware creeping around the hard drive. UGGGGGHHH!!!! When did my computer become such a whore!! and let all these CTD's (Computer Transmitted Diseases) infiltrate her temple!!! Then the service rep...David is his name....told me that it would take 2-3 days to fix. WHAT??!!!! WHAT??!!! When I tell you panic set in, I kid you not! What was I gonna do without my computer for 3 days? How was I gonna talk to people, send email, amuse myself when I became bored?? All I could think about was my empty apartment and me staring at the wall (probably begging it to talk to me...again....:)
Then I snapped out of it...because I remembered...I have a backup laptop at home....OH JOY!
But let's take a step back....my panic was real. I think I even broke a sweat....why? The answer is easy, I have become completely and totally dependent on technology. I feel lost without it. It is so ingrained in my daily life I don't know how to unplug. Between the blackberry, laptop and TV I am so plugged in and information is always but mere keystrokes away. Wow....how did I get here? What did I do before all these gadgets?
I used to read more. I would inhale books in days if not hours. Not how to books...books about fantasy and adventure. I would feed my mind and at one point I wanted to write children's books. I used to LOVE horror/scary novels. Dean Koontz and Stephen King were my faves. I would read every night before I went to bed, in the bathroom, on the floor...wherever. I miss books...i miss reading.
I used to be less regimented. My days and nights live by a constant schedule and around must see TV shows. I race home from the gym to shower so I can be in front of the TV for Grey's Anatomy or Law and Order or So You Think You Can Dance. I check my blackberry constantly throughout the day so it can tell me where I am supposed to be or what email needs a reply right now. I remember a Michelle that used to just go with the flow and if she couldn't make it to the TV on time she would just set her VCR and watch the show....later. I miss the flexibility of my time.
I used to interact with people face to face. Have real conversations with real friends about real things. Now I have stunted conversations over text messages, emails, and IM chats. It's hard to read emotions and feelings through a screen....sometimes you just have to be there to read the body language, to hear the inflection in tone of voice and the movement of the facial features. I think all of us have fallen victim to this. I see it in my students....they can't carry a conversation at all....it's sad. They don't practice the art of REAL conversation and when they have to do it....they fall flat...I even know some adults like that. Think about it....when was the last real deep conversation you had....face to face? I miss human contact.
Sometimes I think about what we all did before technology took over our lives? What did people do before the microwave? Did they use the oven and stove? How did people do their jobs with out email? Were there more faxes? How did we pay our bills? Did we actually send stuff via the mail....with a stamp? Are we better for technology? or has it just made us lazy and dependent? I hate to say it but I think it's the latter. Even as I write this blog from the backup laptop....i'm going to make a conscience decision to unplug while my other laptop is being fixed. I'm gonna turn off the IM, put the phone on silent, turn off the TV and find a book that I've been meaning to read and actually finish it. I might go out....find a place where there are other people....and talk to them....imagine that. Wish me luck....I would say that I will keep you posted....but maybe we should meet up and talk instead :)
Get at me...
Thursday, June 19, 2008
No friends! what I have had is disappointments, failures, and front row seats to people doing the Mexican hat dance on on my heart......that felt really good :( ......Jerk....you know who you are.....
But here is my bridge to help me get over it. This summer....this very hot and fresh summer, as I crawl through the 17 days that lead up to my 27th birthday.....this summer friends will be the SUMMER of LOVE!!!! No, no...not looking for some boo or some guy to keep my bed warm....nope! This summer I'm gonna fall in LOVE with ME!!!! All of me!!! All 243lbs....yea I said it..that was hard....i don't look it (thank god)...BUT...that's how much I weigh....u surprised? Believe it or not that's what my body is doing...according to the scale. So how do I fall in love with my body. Well everyday i'm gonna look at it...naked....tell it nice things like, "Your're not perfect, and the little belly fat thing is not cute...but you have killer shoulders and I love what you've done with your calves." I'm gonna workout....like I always do....but push just a little more. Today in the gym I stepped up the incline, speed and time of running on the treadmill. It's not about being a size 2....it's about loving a healthy body. And it's working....I went shopping last week in a store that I had not brought clothes in for a really long time....we're talking like years....and I brought a lot of clothes....that fit....imagine that...That felt really good....I LOVE THAT!
I'm gonna fall in love with my mind...my brilliant, fantastic, powerful mind. Something really challenged me today....there are HATERS in the streets....like SERIOUS HATERS and they are really trying to block my thoughts and words because they know that the TRUTH I speak will expose their inefficiency and ineffectiveness...sad...so sad....so they make up lies....LIES!!!! craziness and these are adults! I got mad and even frustrated.....but then I realized that I was BRILLIANT! and I cannot be stopped...imagine that.....I sat outside, alone, at work....I looked up the serenity prayer on my blackberry...said it....and felt better....:) I'm letting go....people are gonna do what they are gonna do and I can only control me....my mind....my actions. I know that I am talented and everyday I am gonna celebrate that....LOVE that sexy mind....
I'm gonna fall in love with my personality....my humor, my kindness and even the bitchiness. I'm a good person. To know me is to love me and who knows me better than ME??? People like me....I have good friends, I keep it real...I'm not awkward, I can carry a conversation with anyone...or anything....I once spoke to a wall for an entire hour......it had a lot to say...people always leaning on it....fascinating stuff :) I make people laugh but more importantly I make myself laugh. I put others at ease and I brigthten days....I can keep it SUPER real! I am honest and I say what is on my mind....I speak now for fear of not being able to speak later. I challenge and support....I can anger....myself and others....but I am NEVER afraid to see the other perspective. I have my off days...but most of my days are on.....people call on me for advice and reality checks...I'm a good person....my aurora is electric....How fly am I??? So fly.....I LOVE the woman I have become....the good, the great, and the just ok.
I'm gonna fall in love with my SOUL. I'm going to start cutting out the people and the impurities that seek to tarnish my soul....Like you guys who keep blowing up my phone....yea you know who you are....stop calling me.....because you are a reminder of me not loving myself....you are the relics of a soul-less Michelle that fed on your empty calories instead of seeking out substantive nourishment for my soul...and you saw me starving and you took advantage of that...and I let you....sad....:( I don't blame you...I blame me, but now that I know better, I GOTTA DO BETTER!...so stop calling, texting, and IMing me...Thanks! I will seek out only things that make me feel good in the long term....not in the immediate present. I want to have conversations that tickle my spirit and stimulate my core. I want to meet new people that have a zest for life and inspire me to be better..... I know that in loving my soul....that is the only way I can REALLY...and HOLISTICALLY LOVE ME.....chew on that.
So let the SUMMER of LOVE begin!!! YAY!!! LOVE is in the air.....the LOVERS of SELF!!! this is our time...you don't have to bring a partner....just come with me....are you ready to LOVE you???
Get at me....
Thursday, June 12, 2008
So there is a saying that says: "You never get a second chance to make a first impression." Never truer words were ever spoken. Today I found myself thinking about first impressions and what impression do I give off. In the last 27 years how have I presented myself to the outside world? To friends, to strangers, to colleagues. Am I annoying? Funny? Memorable or forgettable?....oh c'mon on now!!! Ya'll know that I am many things...but forgettable is not one of them!!! LOL....:)
I can tell in the first minute of meeting someone if I am going to like them or not....What they say, how they say it and the vibe they put out is all apparent and I think I am a pretty perceptive person. I find that alot of people are fronting....alot....putting on airs and pretending that they are someone or something they are not.....even worse...they underestimate who I am and that I see right through them.
I met some of my new students today....the first thing one cocky young man said to me was, "So what are you gonna do for this community?" No hi, no how are you and welcome to Charlotte...no, he wanted to know what I was gonna do for him. Clearly pumped up on too much testosterone and his own ego....i replied, "Well, I've see your chapters' grade report and i'm not impressed, so I guess the first thing I'm gonna do is ask you to step your game up....that shut him up and he got the message....I'm not the one to be messed with.... His first impression of me: She's not playing.
I try to come off as a funny and outgoing person all the time. I think it's the real me....but maybe it is the real me that I put on for the world. I want the impression that people get of me to be wow....I like her! She's full of energy!...it's really draining.... I'm not sure why I want that since at home I am devoid of energy and kinda quite....my closest friends and family know that to be very true. I only hit people with the I'm not playing when I fell like I have establish my authority....mainly with my students so they behave and ignorant adults so they stay out of my face....you get the point. It's weird....when I'm not the high energy girl....people think something is wrong....it makes them uncomfortable....
I wonder...how do people really see me and what is their first impression...hey... some of you who know me...what was your first impression...mom, don't answer!!! you gave birth to me....my hope is that your impression was she's soooo cute :) but to the rest of you.....is it different than what I think I put out?
There is this concept called Johari's Window:
In layman's terms the window kinda shows your four areas of what you communicate to others and yourself. Top left window is what you show to the world and what the world sees, top right others see but you don't, lower left is you fronting!!! Known to you but not known to the world and bottom right is unknown to you and them....you see how impressions play into this....read up on it....google it....or better yet got to the library and take out a book......:)
I can dig this model because I wonder what my blind spot is...I kinda know what my facade is....I say I'm happy when I'm not....but what is my unknown....is that the inner, inner me??? Hummmm....food for thought.
The first impression of customer service is major too....like restaurants or brands or services. I was in my apartment complex the other day and I was trying to talk to the rep about my lease and randomly her son walks in....i guess they all live in the complex.....but he totally interrupts our conversation and even though his mother kept telling him that she was working...he kept talking....about some girl and if his mother saw her...get a life!!....and this guy was over 25 years old!!!! So in my head he will always be the inappropriate and immature adult....see how that first impression just sticks? Because of first impressions I will never buy a Sansa Mp3 player again, I won't eat green olives, and I will try to stay out of my complex office....LOL
So I'm planning on meeting this new guy this weekend on a date....yea, I will keep ya'll posted....i'm trying to make a good impression...i don't want to front or be untrue..sight unseen we have had really good conversations....so the first impression has been made already right?....i'm gonna just be me and I hope that is good enough....i guess it doesn't matter if it is good enough for him...being true to me is the only impression I need to make...:)
Get at me....
Thursday, June 5, 2008
So thanks to the genius that is my father, my self esteem has always been a bit on the low side…mainly when it come to physical beauty. It took me a long time to consider myself pretty and I will ONLY claim that when I am wearing makeup and in the appropriate lighting! And as for compliments, well that is still up in the air. When someone used to say, “you look very nice today” my first reaction and response was to negate the sentiment with a , “oh no I look like crap,” or “you are just saying that, I look horrible.” The proper answer, regardless if I believed it or not I should have said, “Thank You.” But I just couldn't take the nice gesture….it was almost like I had been socialized or programmed to believe that it was not true and I could not be worthy of such praise….scary right!
Over time my self esteem has gone up a notch and I think in college I began returning compliments with the appropriate response. But here is the more complicated part and this is really gonna trip you out. It goes back to men and how we as women see ourselves through their eyes…..are you ready?....this is gonna be harsh….try not to judge me too hard: I will only believe a compliment is true ( and I am speaking of compliments of physical aesthetics only…I know I am the ish in other parts of my life!!!)…if a man tells me….I know, I’m messed up…..:( Friends or family that are female can shower me with compliments all day long and I will say Thank You but internally, I won’t believe it or feel it until a man says it. It’s almost like it is not good enough from just anyone…it HAS to be from the opposite sex….When a guy says it then it has to be true….well at least that is what I think in my head. Women give compliments to be nice and Men give them cause it’s true…..jacked up logic huh…..but I can’t help the way I feel and one day I will pay a therapist lots of money to undo my way of thinking…..today is not the day and tomorrow doesn’t look any better…Hey knowing if half the battle (GI JOE!!)
Let’s go one level deeper on this whole compliment thing…..this is what sparked this blog idea for me.
So it is no secret that I have ventured in online dating in various mediums and websites (this could be a whole other blog….man do I have some stories!) Anyway…..through my adventures you know who gives me the most attention and compliments? White men….they are really free with compliments and will give then regularly and in a sincere matter. The other night as I was chatting with this one guy online...he said, “Michelle you are a very beautiful woman.” I said thank you very much and informed him that no one had said that to me in a very long time, He was stunned and questioned how I couldn’t possibly get compliments all the time……that got me thinking….Who was the last black man who paid me such a compliment……I couldn’t recall…you think I would be able to since I put soooo much stock in these things….i racked my brain…..there were pseudo-compliments: You have great breast (which unless you are a stripper or a private dancer that is not really a nice or appropriate compliment), You have thick thighs, nice butt…you have sexy lips….etc. Most of these pseudo-compliments came from a place of sexual intentions…..so not legit. I finally found one in my memory bank…..July 6, 2007….my birthday of last year….two old friends of my mine from college told me that in all the years they had known me that they had never seen as beautiful as I looked that evening…..that was nice…..i was really flattered…..I DID look pretty fly that night….
But back to the point, black men don’t give compliments to me.... they are not genuine and honest and coming from a place of purity instead of their from theor loins....CRAZY…..and yet white men give me compliments left and right…Have the black men in America been so brain washed by the media and degradation of black women by the hands of BET, that they can’t see the simple beauty in their black sistahs? Are they numb or ignorant to the essence of pretty smile, bright eyes and a great laugh….only seeing a fat ass, nice rack and the potential to get between the thighs?......sad if it is true. With women….at least with me….it’s that little things that count. It’s a shame that with all the black men I have interacted with through this online dating….it was this white guy that paid me a sincere compliment…..and I believed him….
I should be able to look in the mirror everyday and tell myself that I am beautiful inside and out….regardless of how I look and feel…..i’m trying…everyday it gets easier….I guess I have to make it a habit. It doesn’t matter what other people say…..If I can’t believe myself, I will never truly believe anyone else…right? This blog post made me feel pretty.....really pretty…..:)
Get at me….
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Oh yes, you heard right...soon the days of rent and neighbors above, below and on either side of me, and the scent of ethic food coming through the vents will be over. I made the leap that would permanently put me in the world of true adults....adults that own...not rent....OWN property.
Let me say.....I am ecstatic. I feel not only accomplished but I also feel like I had put my money where my mouth is and I moved forward with my life....I said I would move to Charlotte, get a house, get a dog and get a man. #1 on the list...DONE!!!! and within 3wks of moving....how's that for full steam ahead!!! At this rate I will be married by next year...LOL...just kidding...ummm...unless my future husband is reading this and an early fall wedding in the 2009 sounds appealing to you! LOL!!!...I crack myself up!
Some of you are probably thinking...has she lost her mind?!!! The housing market is a mess! and she just moved to the Charlotte??? Well, unless you have been under a rock and have missed the news, Charlotte was just voted #1 in the Best City to relocate to (http://www.marketwatch.com/News/Story/Story.aspx?guid=%7B52C3B402-D1AA-4F75-B863-2C599E3DD97B%7D ). Also, the housing market is EXCELLENT! Saying it's a buyers market is a severe understatement.
So what have a brought you may ask? 1323 sq ft of pure joy!!! 3bedrooms (one of which will be an open loft), 2.5 baths, a deck, and 2story ceilings in the great room! AHHHHHH!!! LOVELY!!! Can you feel my joy??? Is is radiating through the computer screen? The best part....it's being built as we speak...which mean I have an entire summer to prepare....come end of Aug....IT's ALL MINE!!! :)
This whole home buying thing will be a new challenge for me. I always struggled with numbers and understanding how things like loans and dimensions work. Here is my opportunity to face what I fear most head on. I am doing this ALL BY MYSELF.....that feels really good, but at the same time I'm having a mini-panic attack asking myself, "What the hell are you doing?" I don't know many single, women who have brought their first home by themselves. I know it can be done and I really shouldn't be frightened....but fear of the unknown and new-ness....can be VERY intimidating. Can I handle this? Can I make my mortgage payments? What do you mean there are taxes and homeowners insurance? Will I be able to afford furniture? Does this mean I can't do random eBay bidding anymore? How will my lifestyle change...will I live check to check.....will this ALL be worth it?
I can't wait for others to fulfill my dreams. I can't wait for the "ideal" life that I daydream about to begin that real life I have today.....and you know what...it's a good life....it can only get better from here right? I really am the master of my own destiny....and I am committed to being a more active participant in my life and making my own wants and needs happen....my way. I will not and can not let the little things....that really don't matter bog me down. That's why we call them little things....they are just not that important...they are obstacles....There is a quote that rings true here: Obstacles are the things seen when you lose sight of your dreams....
So wish me luck, send me your home decorating tips, and for those of you who are homeowners, send me you list of "I wish I would have know then, what I know now" as it pertains to new home ownership! I'm all ears!....Look out for the invite to my housewarming....what a party that will be!!!
Get at me....