From Blues....to Thanks

So those of you who know me, know that I hate the period between Thanksgiving and New Year's....I get the holiday blues...really bad...in fact it just gets worse every year I get older. We "celebrated" Thanksgiving, Xmas, and New Year's in my immediate family for the most part. There were family dinners, sometimes even parties and my mom would cook her ASS off!!! (Shout outs to my mom and her cooking! She doesn't cook all the time like she used to but even as a vegetarian I will eat ANYTHING that women puts in front of me!) However, for many years the holidays just masked the real problems in my childhood....my parents arguing, my "troubles" and the fact that we were just not a solid family....we just faked it really well.

After my sister and I went to college, and my parents split, my visits home just became less and less and the holiday festivities were just not celebrated anymore. Our house became quite....cold....un-festive....so going home or being with family was just not a big deal like it is for other people. So it has carried on as I have become an adult. My sister and her husband don't buy into the pillaging of the Native peoples and the commercialism of Xmas so they don't celebrate, my mom is single and prefers to pass he tholiday seasons with her sisters or more importantly her first grandchild and I too don't buy into Thanksgiving and again celebrating the giving of small poxs to the Native Americans.....as for Christmas I think I am more traditional than most people think and O Holy Night still invokes my spirit, but there is no one to buy gifts for and sitting solo in Midnight Mass feels a bit depressing.....in reality I have slept through Thanksgiving and Xmas and New Year's more times than I could count and nothing says yummy like Chinese food on Christmas Day (shout outs to Chinese food places that hook it up and are the only people open during "major" holidays!). Let's face it, Christmas is for family and as much as I love mine.....today mine is not the traditional family that gets together, puts up a tree, and eats a BIG meal together.....I guess the traditional girl in me misses that. I hear my friends say stuff like, "If I didn't go home for Thanksgiving/Christmas, my mom would KILL me!" Ummmm, yea...my mom is not going to kill me...in fact she's not even expecting me....LOL.....

Last year I thought it was going to be different....I was in a relationship and I thought that we would do presents and a tree and even light my house...we would go over to my friends' house for Thanksgiving and all would be well....well we fought throughout the entire holiday season...I went to my sorors' house alone for Thanksgiving and made some excuse about where he was...there were no gifts at Christmas and by that time we were sleeping in separate rooms....and New Year's? We spent it in our separate corners of the house and I watched the ball drop by myself and clanked my own glass with a bottle of wine.....It was not the holiday season I envisioned and there was NOTHING merry about it...not to mention I had major surgery and spent most of December in pain, trying to recover....

So a year later here I am....still bluesy....still loathing the tinsel, egg nog, and commercials for turkey and stuffing....looking forward to some sales, but unmotivated to actually getting up early and joining the fray to shop at 5AM (However the COACH outlet is having a sale at midnight this Friday....i might have to hit that up...GIFTS FOR ME!!!).....i don't think my mood is going to change, but i had a thought today as my students starting leaving for their trips home for turkey...even though my life is not like everyone else and even though I am not happy.....i am thankful... so here is my list of thanks.....

I am thankful for....

My Friends/Sorors
They have never let me down since college when it come to Thanksgiving. I have spent this coveted dinner meal with some of my closest buds and them knowing my situation have never let me eat alone if they could help it. I appreciate that more than they know and as i tear up right now I am so lucky for friends and sorority sisters that care and consider me family....So thanks Alonda and your fam for dinners in DE, thanks Lisa for community service and fancy dinners in DC, and thanks Antie for letting me grub at your table....Holidays or not, my friends/sorors have been a constant in my life

My Job/Career
In a time of economic uncertainty, it is good to know that I am gainfully employed, I can pay my bills, and I can live somewhat comfortably. I am thankful for my education that has afforded me a career that I am actually good at...It's not always stress free and there is tons of drama...but I LOVE it....it is a joy and pleasure to touch and affect young students everyday and feel that in some small way, I make a difference. So thank you UNC Charlotte and CAMPUSPEAK for giving me security and the opportunity to do what I know I was put on earth to do

Pascal
Oh Pascal....what would i do without this little dog....through all the craziness in my life in the last year, this little dog has licked my face when I cried, curled up on my lap when i needed a buddy, kept my bed warm with his furry body, forced me to exercise by walking him and gotten into enough mischief to keep my life interesting. I love this dog like no other....i feel lonely most of the time but Pascal takes the edge off by being that other breathing being in my house...i talk and he listens....never judges, never interrupts...He is ALWAYS happy to see me, even when I leave hime home for 6 hours at a time....if not for this dog, there are some days in the last 6 months that I would not have gotten out of bed....Thank God for Pascal

My Family
We are not perfect like a puzzle piece or a perfect portrait like the Waltons, but i love my sister and my mom....they are the only immediate family I have...My sister and her husband gave us Kisaye my niece and I have not seen her since she was born....I miss her and I wish i had the means to fly down and see her every weekend....and even though she is driving my sister crazy by sleeping in 2-3 hour spurts.....I think my sister is an AWESOME mom and Kisaye is lucky to have my sister as her mommy....Like there was any doubt cause our mom is AWESOME....our relationship has not always been ideal but as an adult she and I are close friends and I can not imagine my life without her.....she works hard, she if selfless, and she respects my thoughts and decisions......most importantly she respects the woman I am today (her amazing genes are also a blessing...have you seen my mom on FB? She's a goddess!!!)....I am thankful for my family....the version they are today.

Guilty Pleasures
I will not harp on these things since they are mostly superficial....but I am thankful for them so they get a brief shout out:

My Blackberry (sorry I dropped you in the toilet and thank you for having insurance on you and sending me a replacement in the mail in 3 days!)
My VERY BIG TV....51 inches of joy and every TV event is like going to the movies :)
Moscato Wine....yummy....thanks for keeping me company and cutting me off when I have had too much :)
FB....yea I said it...Facebook.....you keep me entertained, connected, and is a mindless distraction of all my woes....
COACH....how I love thee...let me count the ways....
My Laptop....i am thankful that you still work and that you are my constant link to any type of connection to that outside world.

So from Blues to Thanks....still hate this time of year, but I am trying to keep a positive attitude and remember that i have much to be thankful for......Maybe I can work on having a better year in 2010....get out of my holiday rut and hit the new year with vim and vigor....till them....Bah Humbug and Blessings to you....

Get at me...

Mental Health Holiday

So this week I was forced by my boss to take a vacation....a week long vacation. I know some of you are thinking, "Damn I wish my boss would tell me I need a vacation and actually make me take one!" Yea lucky me....but I had been working non-stop since before the summer started and i think everyone could tell that i was feeling run down and probably 2 seconds away from kirking out on a student or somebody else. The summer was a rough one...the woman I supervised got arrested for embezzlement...yea i don't wanna get into it..yes sthe initial story is linked above...just know it was stressful, she took ALOT of money from students, and it's still pending. I never really dealt with my break-up from James and his infrequent text messages and driving me insane....you know the sob story, "I miss you, I love you, let me spend the rest of my life making it up to you...blah, blah, blah." Like I said, driving me crazy, I don't respond. I have done what I have always done during life crisises...I have BURIED myself in work.....and now I have been banished to deal with it or re-center my chi..or what ever comes first.....So a week of laying on my couch it is.

Now most of you know that I am too type A to actually relax and take a break from work. I am a self proclaimed work-a-holic and if I am not on some sandy beach in Aruba with a frosty drink in my hand, I really can't turn off the work light and just chill. Some people have that gift. I do not. My boss told me to go book a plane ticket and go see my niece (who I have not seen since the 3rd day of her life in June). But swine flu has me paranoid and my own hypochondriacism talked me out of going to see her for fear of getting her sick....I'm sure i will regret that decision some day. So what did I do all week you ask? Not much.....

1. Mad Men

What is the hype all about I asked myself. They won some Emmy's and they were on Oprah this week so I said, "Self, let's go rent the entire first two seasons from Blockbuster and watch it all in 3 days." I did just that! It's a good show, lots of drama and dialogue....not action per se. But I like a good dark, intense drama and I would say I am a fan. Not running out to get AMC from my cable provider, but I will download the episodes online and watch season 3. I am fascinated by the fact that it takes place in Manhattan/NY in the 60's. Thy dynamics of the show are very interesting: smoking all day, drinking all day, infidelity, self value, family life and product placement. It has kept me interested and has helped me pass the time.

2. I cleaned...

Well ok, so the house cleaning service came and cleaned the house from top to bottom. But I did laundry and dishes and stuff...that has to count. Before you go and judge me I don't get my house cleaned every week...more like every 6-8 weeks for a good cleaning. I think it's worth it and it make me feel like I live in a brand new house all over again. It also forces me to pick stuff up from the floors and hang up my clothes before the cleanser come....hey...whatever motivates right!

3. Pascal

What blog is complete without a shout out to Pascal??? He is awesome and cute and I cut his bangs this week. I think I have disrupted his daily sleeping schedule....all he does is SLEEP all day, between walks and eating...he sleeps. We walk alot...at least 4-5 20minute walks every day. I like to watch him as he has puppy dreams...i'm sure he's dreaming of tearing apart a box of Kleenex or chasing geese....either way it is peaceful and I love him so much and can not imagine my life without him.

4. I did errands

Dropped and picked up dry cleaning, got gas in the car, filled prescriptions, shopped for items to fill the fridge and pantry, stopped at work to sign off on stuff (trust me it was for legit reasons). Nothing was pressing and errands were are good excuse to actually get out of my pj's, wash my ass, and get out of the house for a little bit.

5. I detoxed

No I am not an alcoholic or drug user....but I spent a good part of the summer eating and drinking my emotions. So this week I ate better and healthier meals like I used to, drank ALOT of water (and my skin thanks me for it!) and tried to get more exercise and sleep. You don't realize how much your body misses good home-cooked meals, water and exercise until you don't do those things on a regular basis. It felt good and hopefully this is the first step to being the relatively healthy and fit person I used to be! We will see.....

All in all I am glad I took the week off. My boss was right....I was tired and I did need a break. Now even though I still checked and answered some work email and answered my phone from my admin and grad assistants....I feel good about the time I took off and I am committed to stop having my summer long pity party and getting back to being me. Work will always be their and students will always have issues....but I can control what i drag myself into and when it is time to go home and relax. So here's to my Mental Health Holiday...may I find that is gives me back my life and shows me that I am the #1 player in this thing called life....I should try living it...:)

Get at me...

Can someone turn on the lights?....

So blogger friends.....I'm single again.....and IT SUCKS!!!

First off I am getting over heartache and I feel like I am walking around in the dark...kinda lost and feeling gloomy. I am trying to bury myself in work and the dog and life planning....but it's hard and I find myself distracted and unfocused.....the more I try to establish a new routine....the more the pain of my broken heart dominates me head, body, and dare I say it....my soul. I think the pain has manifested in headaches and joint pain...craziness...there is no going back with James and I.....but moving forward....in the dark is not easy.

I think the dog hates me. I think he looks at me and says, "You bitch! You made the tall white one go away and now I have to sit in my crate all day and you are not as fun to play with!" Pascal has mastered that sad puppy dog look and I feel so guilty about him.....I thought I would get him in doggy daycare once a week....but when I called today they inquired if I had him neutered yet and my answer is no (we just kept putting it off for no reason) and they told me that he couldn't come to daycare until I cut off his testicles......sigh.....so I called the Humane Society of Charlotte (which is a really wonderful place and you should donate to them right now!!) and go figure they have a waiting list over a month for the $50 (which is significantly less that my vet!) ball snipping deal!!! Arrrrrgh!!! So my guilt with Pascal continues.....like a mother leaving her child in daycare.....and I try to ease my guilt by taking him on long walks and letting him eat potato salad and shrimp lo mien with me.....yea I know....I'm a bad mommy!!! But you try saying no to his sweet little face!!!

I'm paranoid.....now that I am single again I feel like I can't do anything....stuff James used to take care of like bug killing and air filter replacement and dog washing seem like hard and daunting tasks....I changed the air filters but now everytime the AC goes on it makes an initial sound....weird.....like it's being sucked into place.....implying that i put it in wrong :( I killed 2 spiders in my house last week and caught Pascal playing with one and I FREAKED out....call exterminations and eradicated all things that creep, crawl, make webs, have 6 or 8 legs all within the exterior and interior of my home....$149.00 (Superior Pest Control...get at them...they are AWESOME!) well spent if you ask me! I washed Pascal cause I thought he had fleas....again, paranoid....he didn't, but he made me feel like the bath was the most unpleasant thing in his life to date....i had to lure him with snausages to let me dry and brush him out.....sigh....Paranioa SUCKS!

To add insult to injury it's been HELLA HOT in Charlotte, some of my chapters at work are making my job hard, I hear things that go bump in the night, there is no more "we" just me, the house needs some minor maintenance, i need to buy a propane tank for my new grill, i feel like repainting, did i mention it was HELLA HOT?, and i can't seem to find my appetite....you know it's sad when a thick girl can't eat.......so what to do?

Church? Went...had a good cry and shout outs to the musical director for playing all the hits I needed to hear (Eagle's Wings, Here I am Lord, and an especially rousing rendition of Glory to God!) God and I spoke....he told some good stuff and things I need to think about and get back to him on....

Pascal? Working on my relationship with him.....extra long tummy rub sessions, sunbathing, and talking to him....even though he does not talk back.....in the end he's a dog and the only bitches he knows are the girl dogs at the dog park!

Finding other stuff? Yea...i gotta get back out there...not to find a man cause I am not ready for that right yet....but i gotta get out...explore Charlotte, hit up a happy hour...have friends over...celebrate the fact that I turn 28 in two weeks! (FYI...i would like gift cards to Walmart as suitable bday gifts...a new 24hr SuperWalmart just opened nearby and I am obsessed with stimulating the economy!), read, play Tetris, listen to music, try new recipes, inhale...exhale. Get back to my center....get back to being me.....just me.....i need to find the switch...turn on the lights....

Ya'll got any suggestions? I'm all ears....help me, help myself....I trust ya'll....what do you have for me.....I believe in life after love (shout outs to Cher for getting me through the other morning!...click here for classic video!)...i just need a push towards the right direction....but in the dark the right direction is so hard to find.....

Get at me....

8 months.....I should have never stopped blogging :(

Greetings Blogging Friends!!!

It has been too long since we last spoke and once again I am sorry :( Now I have to tell you about the crazy, ridiculous, and at times painful ride my life has taken.....You ready? Here goes...

November/December

Last time we spoke I was on line voting for Obama for President...YAY he won!! How cool?!! I remember watching the screen on election night with my mouth wide open in shock....I kept sayin, "In my life...in my life." It was really surreal and I was honored to have bared witness to it....one day I will be able to tell my kids where I was when the 1st black president was elected....so cool.

Then I had surgery....Yes, surgery. Remember I told you I had gotten diagnosed with Uterine Fibroids....yea so...early in Dec I went under that knife and literally gave birth to a 4lbs fibriod....GROSS....how gross you want to know? Well here is a pic....I warn you...it's nasty:

It's like having a c-section with no baby! Totally unfulfilling :( But speaking of babies.....my sister told me she was preggers!!! YAY!!! and due in June so that was a pick me up!!!

Most of December was spent recovering and taking it easy....and arguing....yes arguing....with James...you remember him right? The boyfriend...yea our relationship was full of fights....over dumb stuff....stuff i feel like we shouldn't be fighting over....combine that with his lack of communication skills....it was not fun :( Needless to say xmas was spent in separate rooms and so was New Years.....arrrrgh....the writings were on the walls then.....

January

Finally went back to work from med leave and holiday break. I went crazy being on med leave with nothing to do! I am too type A to ever be on any type of "break." I also made a decision to start going back to church.....Now for those of you who know me I am a recovering Roman Catholic....I know you are all thinking, "Wow, but you're black?" Well there are some of us out there! If your parents native country was colonized by Catholic missionaries at one time, you too would be Catholic!!! Anyway....it wasn't like i was making this big commitment to church, but I figured it had been too long since me and God spoke in his house and I was unhappy so I figured what the heck, what could I lose? I will say this about church...I disagree with several things in the Catholic church: Womens' right to choose, what they do with priest who violate children, Pope Benedict's recent stance on AIDS......but I do respect the ritual of sacraments and some of the traditions of my faith and for those reasons I loosely affiliate myself with them....We all need some sort of faith and I guess this is my version :)

February/March/April

All a blur....more fights with James, hiatus from the gym and work...oh there was work....you know how it is in higher ed! Educational trip to MGCA with students, Greek Leadership Conference, DOS duties, Greek Week, hiring a new admin.....work was hecka busy, plus budget cuts....this economy is taking a toll on my ability to fund my area and that makes things really hard. How can you give students a WONDERFUL experience with little funding? I'm an administrator, not a magician! But we trudged on and made it work....what else can we really do?

My soror Antie had her baby Matthew, my other soror is blissfully preggers with her first baby and my sister was still awaiting the birth of my first niece. It's baby season and EVERYONE is having one!!! I'm happy for all of them and greatful for my blatant violation of Catholic doctrine with my IMPLANON firmly in my arm preventing any babies of my own! LOL!

By the end of April I was dragging myself to the finish line of the academic year and preparing for a road trip to FL with Pascal and James to attend my sisters' baby shower!! WOOO HOOO! 13 hours in the car with man and dog!

May

The baby shower was cool and the road trip was not as bad as i thought it would be....I am a frequent flyer so the thought of that much time in the car was NOT appealing....but i didn't have to drive any leg of it so not too bad.....and Pascal tolerated the trip well! It was weird/good to see my sister...I hadn't seen her in over a year and all of a sudden she was 8mos pregnant! Probably should make more of an effort to see family on a more regular basis...She and Kamal looked super happy and it was good to see my mom and rest of the family. They all met James...which proved to be pointless cause our relationship began its final decent when we got back to Charlotte....to be honest it was probably over 4 months prior, but when you are in LOVE you seem to ignore or choose to ignore some fatal relationship flaws: Lying, anger management issues, poor communication, lack of motivation, secrets......yea...I won't go into all the gory details....Let's just say i should have trusted my instincts and joined the "bail out" when the banks got theirs!!

June

So this brings us to June......broke up with James on the 4th...which would have been one month from our 1year anniversary...how poetic....My sister gave birth on the 6th...with is one month from my 28th birthday...which means that my BEAUTIFUL niece Kisaye Michelle James was born exactly 27years and 11months after I was born....She was a welcomed distraction from the heartache I was going through and I hopped on plane and flew to FL on the 7th to see her.....

I am thrilled to be an Aunt or as we say in creole "Tatie" So just call me Tatie Michou! Woo Hoo!! and I am honored to have my name as my niece's middle name!

So as the hot summer of Charlotte starts to unravel....I find myself back on the blog....a year since i started and much has changed....My relationship with James taught me alot about myself and now that I know better I must do better....if not for myself then to show my sweet niece how to be a respectable women who puts herself first.....always....

Pascal, my loyal pet is still by my side and is a constant source of laughs and happiness....he doesn't talk back but he listens really well...and he licks my tears when i cry and get sad :(

So now what? I don't know...what will the summer of '09 bring? We shall see.....you stay tuned....i promise I will be back.....

Get at me.....