What is it about compliments? For a long time I couldn't even receive one with the right response. My father or as I like to refer to him: The man who donated a couple of chromosomes to me, once told me I had a big nose and I was ugly. I was pretty young at the time….you know that age when you believe anything your parents say….yea that’s a scary time. But anyway, not having children of my own I know being a parent doesn’t come with a training manual and you probably just wing it and use common sense. However, I do know this….the first place a girl learns about men and how she should view herself with men and how men should view her is from the relationship with her father. So dad’s have that extra responsibility to instill some self esteem into their girls so from a young age they know they are beautiful, special, and should always be treated with respect. This is my own theory, but I’m sure some of you can back me up on this.
So thanks to the genius that is my father, my self esteem has always been a bit on the low side…mainly when it come to physical beauty. It took me a long time to consider myself pretty and I will ONLY claim that when I am wearing makeup and in the appropriate lighting! And as for compliments, well that is still up in the air. When someone used to say, “you look very nice today” my first reaction and response was to negate the sentiment with a , “oh no I look like crap,” or “you are just saying that, I look horrible.” The proper answer, regardless if I believed it or not I should have said, “Thank You.” But I just couldn't take the nice gesture….it was almost like I had been socialized or programmed to believe that it was not true and I could not be worthy of such praise….scary right!
Over time my self esteem has gone up a notch and I think in college I began returning compliments with the appropriate response. But here is the more complicated part and this is really gonna trip you out. It goes back to men and how we as women see ourselves through their eyes…..are you ready?....this is gonna be harsh….try not to judge me too hard: I will only believe a compliment is true ( and I am speaking of compliments of physical aesthetics only…I know I am the ish in other parts of my life!!!)…if a man tells me….I know, I’m messed up…..:( Friends or family that are female can shower me with compliments all day long and I will say Thank You but internally, I won’t believe it or feel it until a man says it. It’s almost like it is not good enough from just anyone…it HAS to be from the opposite sex….When a guy says it then it has to be true….well at least that is what I think in my head. Women give compliments to be nice and Men give them cause it’s true…..jacked up logic huh…..but I can’t help the way I feel and one day I will pay a therapist lots of money to undo my way of thinking…..today is not the day and tomorrow doesn’t look any better…Hey knowing if half the battle (GI JOE!!)
Let’s go one level deeper on this whole compliment thing…..this is what sparked this blog idea for me.
So it is no secret that I have ventured in online dating in various mediums and websites (this could be a whole other blog….man do I have some stories!) Anyway…..through my adventures you know who gives me the most attention and compliments? White men….they are really free with compliments and will give then regularly and in a sincere matter. The other night as I was chatting with this one guy online...he said, “Michelle you are a very beautiful woman.” I said thank you very much and informed him that no one had said that to me in a very long time, He was stunned and questioned how I couldn’t possibly get compliments all the time……that got me thinking….Who was the last black man who paid me such a compliment……I couldn’t recall…you think I would be able to since I put soooo much stock in these things….i racked my brain…..there were pseudo-compliments: You have great breast (which unless you are a stripper or a private dancer that is not really a nice or appropriate compliment), You have thick thighs, nice butt…you have sexy lips….etc. Most of these pseudo-compliments came from a place of sexual intentions…..so not legit. I finally found one in my memory bank…..July 6, 2007….my birthday of last year….two old friends of my mine from college told me that in all the years they had known me that they had never seen as beautiful as I looked that evening…..that was nice…..i was really flattered…..I DID look pretty fly that night….
But back to the point, black men don’t give compliments to me.... they are not genuine and honest and coming from a place of purity instead of their from theor loins....CRAZY…..and yet white men give me compliments left and right…Have the black men in America been so brain washed by the media and degradation of black women by the hands of BET, that they can’t see the simple beauty in their black sistahs? Are they numb or ignorant to the essence of pretty smile, bright eyes and a great laugh….only seeing a fat ass, nice rack and the potential to get between the thighs?......sad if it is true. With women….at least with me….it’s that little things that count. It’s a shame that with all the black men I have interacted with through this online dating….it was this white guy that paid me a sincere compliment…..and I believed him….
I should be able to look in the mirror everyday and tell myself that I am beautiful inside and out….regardless of how I look and feel…..i’m trying…everyday it gets easier….I guess I have to make it a habit. It doesn’t matter what other people say…..If I can’t believe myself, I will never truly believe anyone else…right? This blog post made me feel pretty.....really pretty…..:)
Get at me….
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7 comments:
the same way that you say white men give you compliments and black men are brain washed. It's some of us black men out here that do show all women respect and when it comes to black women the utmost respect. Yet when it comes to compliments and getting attention from the ladies some of the most attention ever received was from a woman of an opposite race. And we not talking your average brothas here we talking college educated just like you
At some point, it becomes necessary to give yourself the things that your parents couldn't, or weren't willing to, give you. I applaud your effort to tell yourself you're beautiful, and to start believing it. As you continue to internalize your beauty on a deeper level, the more you'll attract men who see that your beauty is more than just your breasts.
This is my first day on here, and already I think I've found someone I can connect with....one of my pet peeves is the stereotype of us black men today. The funny thing with our stereotype is that we know that there are ones out there that are atypical of it, yet usually the ones complaining have yet to meet that one. The person that left the anonymous comment here obviously feels he's one of them, yet he left no way to contact you.
Honestly I have stories about my life that would make you wonder am I too forgiving and complimentary of the special woman in my life, yet you touched me with your blog and I'd like to become friends. Hit me up anytime.
I can relate totally. the negative messages I have received came from my mom, my dad and grandmom. those people just believed they could bring the best in me by showering me with negativity. as if I will be motivated to prove them wrong. I too struggled with being able to receive a compliment.It is commandable that you are aware of the root of the problem so early in life. I wish I were aware of my issues when I was your age.
your blog hit a chord in me. As a child and teenager, the negative messages I got from my parents went from my physical attributes to my personality traits.I felt both ugly inside and outside. Not only I could not receive a compliment but I had a constant longing to be seen as good enough by the man in my adult life. my healing started after I had my 2 daughters and saw how special they were. thanks ,Michelle for putting it out there, allowing us women to look inside ourselves and allowing men to become aware of their role in the self image of their daughters.
You're a knockout... and no one has a smile like yours. Unfortunately, I'm gay, so that does nothing for you, but hope it makes you smile a little bit. Keep up the blogging!
TEEJ
Thanks for the message back on my page Michelle, believe me if I were single I'd holla at you in a second, just based off what I read and not even seeing you, lol. But seriously, the workout plan has been put on the shelf for the moment....we'll start football practice next week so 3 hours in the sun will definitely help. Can't wait to see what you write next!
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