Thursday, November 24, 2011
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
1. How did we celebrate birthdays before FACEBOOK??? I have received over 150 posts of "Happy Birthday" blessings! People I have not spoken to in months...even years, took time out of their day to wish me well. Let's be honest, minus the Facebook reminder for birthdays, this many people would not have reached out to me. But, the wishes made be feel great-ful, loved, and nostalgic....i took time to return each and every post with a "thank you." Happy are those who have friends, students, colleagues, family, sorors.......people......in the 915,235,200 seconds I have been alive people have made all the difference
2. Regardless of how many people you know or interact with.....at the end of the day because of your life and the lives of others, you are pretty much alone in the end. Today I worked, shared a cheese quesadilla with Pascal alone and soon i will turn into bed alone. People have lives and some forget about your special day. I'm not mad...it's a day and shouldn't really be uber special to anyone but me (ok, maybe to my mom). So i don't expect people to buy gifts, throw parties or even remember. but....there is a feeling of alone...pure alone....and the older I get the more comfortable I get with it.....in 29 years i have spent many events solo. Surgeries, moving, birthdays, etc.....it is what it is....ya get used to it and you enjoy the times when you are in the company of others....live in the moment...enjoy the surroundings
3. Where will I be next year? Dude!! I turn 30 next year!! WTF?? How did we get here??? Should i do something big??? Where has all the time gone?....LOL! No one is harder on me than me and once again I have taken stock in what I have done personally and professionally. Professionally we've done well :) I should write some articles and really look into my Ph.D....but those two things aside....GOOD JOB ME!!!! Personally......well....i own my own house....and car.....sigh....we will continue to work on it...I want what almost every woman I know wants....career, kids, marriage....vacations to beautiful places, vegetarian meatloaf (ok....maybe i'm the only one that wants vegetarian meatloaf), anniversary gifts, first recitals, saving for college, 10 fingers and 10 toes.... Slow and steady right? If only the personal life was as easy as the professional life.
4. Pascal is the GREATEST dog in the WORLD!...that is all....
5. 15,253,920 minutes is a long time.....and i want to keep living...but as i live, become better. Better friend, daughter, sister, soror, professional. One can not let minutes go by and not try to improve on every second. I want people to think....i am better for knowing her.....let the next 29 years allow me to impact, inspire, and instill..... in myself and others.....
29 is not 30....yet....it was a little anti-climactic.....but i did allow for pause. It's been a good 254,232 hours.....Let's celebrate this year....stay tuned for 30....
Get at me...
Saturday, May 1, 2010
I have been in a funk....my closest friends, some of my students, anyone who really knows me knows that i have not been myself for some time now...Why? Well ya'll know....2009 SUCKED!!! IT FUCKING SUCKED SOOOO BAD!! For many reasons....we need not go into them....ya'll know what it was....here is what I know to be true....have enough craziness and drama happen to you and you will lose your mind....your mind will take over the ship and you are purely the vessel that carries around whatever you mind puts in.....my brain? yea it retreated to a dark, moody, and very grey place....where it wanted to be alone and think...process the events of past and figure out how to get back moving towards the future.
2. I forgave myself
When stuff happens, it's not always your fault and even if you blame yourself....eventually you will have to forgive yourself too....I am FLY dammit!!! and I did nothing wrong....You can not control what other people do and you can only control yourself.....so when i look back....i always had my integrity intact....i always chose right over wrong and if it was in my power I put others first....everytime...I forgave myself for blaming myself in the the first place. I am reminded of the serenity prayer (currently considering getting it tattooed to my body):
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things that I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference.
3. I have re-built
You gotta take control of the things that are within your control....I would like to think that i repositioned and re-set a course for my office at work....We had a good year despite the turmoil the was put in our way....i think I lead the Fraternity and Sorority community in a positive direction and it can only get better from here! I have hired new staff, invested in our councils, and re branded and marketed what it means to be Greek at UNC Charlotte.....yes I am patting myself on my back....Job well done Michelle! and kudos to the students who trusted in me enough to follow me! When life throws you lemons....make grape juice...then sit back and watch people try to figure out how you did it :).
I did some things at home that i didn't think I could do: I hung blinds in my windows by myself, I got my deck sealed, I trained Pascal to walk off his leash and not run away from me, I began power walking again, ate better, cooked more, steadily paid off the credit card, and fed my soul with my own concoction that is sure to nourish : small pinch of church, lots of dog, plenty of sleep, re-connected with friends, and yes my friends....there were some shopping sprees (this message is brought to you by the following vendors: COACH, SONY, IPOD, and OLD NAVY)
4. I'm going on VACATION!
For the first time in almost 5 years I am taking a real vacation! OH YEAH!!! It was like a sign from GOD....my passport expires in AUGUST....God wants me to use it and leave the country!!! So shout outs to my buddy Ted Lewis for being my partner in crime and travel buddy....24 days and counting to our very expensive all-inclusive vacation to the GR Solaris in Cancun! I will work on my tan....drink drinks with little umbrellas, feast on buffets, and listen to the waves crash on the sandy beaches of Mexico....you feel me??? My brown complexion is in dire need of the sun's rays that can only be found in the Tropic of Cancer....let the bronzing, relaxing, and the wearing of sunglasses and linen pants begin!
This is a picture from the last time i was in Cancun....it has been too long.....
5. Don't talk about it...be about it
I kept telling people that I missed the girl I used to be.....but instead of missing her I just committed to being her again....Now I am just a wiser, lighter (LOL), and more aware version of her....and damn she's a good time!!! When I am the person I want to be, the person I know I am...with no compromises....I am content....Love me or hate me...you will respect me....but more importantly I LOVE and RESPECT myself....imagine that!
Thanks for not abandoning me blog followers....i will try not to leave you for this long again...but I have made that promise before so.....yea....just hope that i stay inspired :)
Get at me...
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
After my sister and I went to college, and my parents split, my visits home just became less and less and the holiday festivities were just not celebrated anymore. Our house became quite....cold....un-festive....so going home or being with family was just not a big deal like it is for other people. So it has carried on as I have become an adult. My sister and her husband don't buy into the pillaging of the Native peoples and the commercialism of Xmas so they don't celebrate, my mom is single and prefers to pass he tholiday seasons with her sisters or more importantly her first grandchild and I too don't buy into Thanksgiving and again celebrating the giving of small poxs to the Native Americans.....as for Christmas I think I am more traditional than most people think and O Holy Night still invokes my spirit, but there is no one to buy gifts for and sitting solo in Midnight Mass feels a bit depressing.....in reality I have slept through Thanksgiving and Xmas and New Year's more times than I could count and nothing says yummy like Chinese food on Christmas Day (shout outs to Chinese food places that hook it up and are the only people open during "major" holidays!). Let's face it, Christmas is for family and as much as I love mine.....today mine is not the traditional family that gets together, puts up a tree, and eats a BIG meal together.....I guess the traditional girl in me misses that. I hear my friends say stuff like, "If I didn't go home for Thanksgiving/Christmas, my mom would KILL me!" Ummmm, yea...my mom is not going to kill me...in fact she's not even expecting me....LOL.....
Last year I thought it was going to be different....I was in a relationship and I thought that we would do presents and a tree and even light my house...we would go over to my friends' house for Thanksgiving and all would be well....well we fought throughout the entire holiday season...I went to my sorors' house alone for Thanksgiving and made some excuse about where he was...there were no gifts at Christmas and by that time we were sleeping in separate rooms....and New Year's? We spent it in our separate corners of the house and I watched the ball drop by myself and clanked my own glass with a bottle of wine.....It was not the holiday season I envisioned and there was NOTHING merry about it...not to mention I had major surgery and spent most of December in pain, trying to recover....
So a year later here I am....still bluesy....still loathing the tinsel, egg nog, and commercials for turkey and stuffing....looking forward to some sales, but unmotivated to actually getting up early and joining the fray to shop at 5AM (However the COACH outlet is having a sale at midnight this Friday....i might have to hit that up...GIFTS FOR ME!!!).....i don't think my mood is going to change, but i had a thought today as my students starting leaving for their trips home for turkey...even though my life is not like everyone else and even though I am not happy.....i am thankful... so here is my list of thanks.....
I am thankful for....
They have never let me down since college when it come to Thanksgiving. I have spent this coveted dinner meal with some of my closest buds and them knowing my situation have never let me eat alone if they could help it. I appreciate that more than they know and as i tear up right now I am so lucky for friends and sorority sisters that care and consider me family....So thanks Alonda and your fam for dinners in DE, thanks Lisa for community service and fancy dinners in DC, and thanks Antie for letting me grub at your table....Holidays or not, my friends/sorors have been a constant in my life
In a time of economic uncertainty, it is good to know that I am gainfully employed, I can pay my bills, and I can live somewhat comfortably. I am thankful for my education that has afforded me a career that I am actually good at...It's not always stress free and there is tons of drama...but I LOVE it....it is a joy and pleasure to touch and affect young students everyday and feel that in some small way, I make a difference. So thank you UNC Charlotte and CAMPUSPEAK for giving me security and the opportunity to do what I know I was put on earth to do
Oh Pascal....what would i do without this little dog....through all the craziness in my life in the last year, this little dog has licked my face when I cried, curled up on my lap when i needed a buddy, kept my bed warm with his furry body, forced me to exercise by walking him and gotten into enough mischief to keep my life interesting. I love this dog like no other....i feel lonely most of the time but Pascal takes the edge off by being that other breathing being in my house...i talk and he listens....never judges, never interrupts...He is ALWAYS happy to see me, even when I leave hime home for 6 hours at a time....if not for this dog, there are some days in the last 6 months that I would not have gotten out of bed....Thank God for Pascal
We are not perfect like a puzzle piece or a perfect portrait like the Waltons, but i love my sister and my mom....they are the only immediate family I have...My sister and her husband gave us Kisaye my niece and I have not seen her since she was born....I miss her and I wish i had the means to fly down and see her every weekend....and even though she is driving my sister crazy by sleeping in 2-3 hour spurts.....I think my sister is an AWESOME mom and Kisaye is lucky to have my sister as her mommy....Like there was any doubt cause our mom is AWESOME....our relationship has not always been ideal but as an adult she and I are close friends and I can not imagine my life without her.....she works hard, she if selfless, and she respects my thoughts and decisions......most importantly she respects the woman I am today (her amazing genes are also a blessing...have you seen my mom on FB? She's a goddess!!!)....I am thankful for my family....the version they are today.
I will not harp on these things since they are mostly superficial....but I am thankful for them so they get a brief shout out:
My Blackberry (sorry I dropped you in the toilet and thank you for having insurance on you and sending me a replacement in the mail in 3 days!)
My VERY BIG TV....51 inches of joy and every TV event is like going to the movies :)
Moscato Wine....yummy....thanks for keeping me company and cutting me off when I have had too much :)
FB....yea I said it...Facebook.....you keep me entertained, connected, and is a mindless distraction of all my woes....
COACH....how I love thee...let me count the ways....
My Laptop....i am thankful that you still work and that you are my constant link to any type of connection to that outside world.
So from Blues to Thanks....still hate this time of year, but I am trying to keep a positive attitude and remember that i have much to be thankful for......Maybe I can work on having a better year in 2010....get out of my holiday rut and hit the new year with vim and vigor....till them....Bah Humbug and Blessings to you....
Get at me...
Saturday, September 26, 2009
5. I detoxed
All in all I am glad I took the week off. My boss was right....I was tired and I did need a break. Now even though I still checked and answered some work email and answered my phone from my admin and grad assistants....I feel good about the time I took off and I am committed to stop having my summer long pity party and getting back to being me. Work will always be their and students will always have issues....but I can control what i drag myself into and when it is time to go home and relax. So here's to my Mental Health Holiday...may I find that is gives me back my life and shows me that I am the #1 player in this thing called life....I should try living it...:)
Get at me...
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Saturday, June 13, 2009
It's like having a c-section with no baby! Totally unfulfilling :( But speaking of babies.....my sister told me she was preggers!!! YAY!!! and due in June so that was a pick me up!!!
So as the hot summer of Charlotte starts to unravel....I find myself back on the blog....a year since i started and much has changed....My relationship with James taught me alot about myself and now that I know better I must do better....if not for myself then to show my sweet niece how to be a respectable women who puts herself first.....always....
Pascal, my loyal pet is still by my side and is a constant source of laughs and happiness....he doesn't talk back but he listens really well...and he licks my tears when i cry and get sad :(
So now what? I don't know...what will the summer of '09 bring? We shall see.....you stay tuned....i promise I will be back.....Get at me.....