Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Can someone turn on the lights?....

So blogger friends.....I'm single again.....and IT SUCKS!!!


First off I am getting over heartache and I feel like I am walking around in the dark...kinda lost and feeling gloomy. I am trying to bury myself in work and the dog and life planning....but it's hard and I find myself distracted and unfocused.....the more I try to establish a new routine....the more the pain of my broken heart dominates me head, body, and dare I say it....my soul. I think the pain has manifested in headaches and joint pain...craziness...there is no going back with James and I.....but moving forward....in the dark is not easy.


I think the dog hates me. I think he looks at me and says, "You bitch! You made the tall white one go away and now I have to sit in my crate all day and you are not as fun to play with!" Pascal has mastered that sad puppy dog look and I feel so guilty about him.....I thought I would get him in doggy daycare once a week....but when I called today they inquired if I had him neutered yet and my answer is no (we just kept putting it off for no reason) and they told me that he couldn't come to daycare until I cut off his testicles......sigh.....so I called the Humane Society of Charlotte (which is a really wonderful place and you should donate to them right now!!) and go figure they have a waiting list over a month for the $50 (which is significantly less that my vet!) ball snipping deal!!! Arrrrrgh!!! So my guilt with Pascal continues.....like a mother leaving her child in daycare.....and I try to ease my guilt by taking him on long walks and letting him eat potato salad and shrimp lo mien with me.....yea I know....I'm a bad mommy!!! But you try saying no to his sweet little face!!!

I'm paranoid.....now that I am single again I feel like I can't do anything....stuff James used to take care of like bug killing and air filter replacement and dog washing seem like hard and daunting tasks....I changed the air filters but now everytime the AC goes on it makes an initial sound....weird.....like it's being sucked into place.....implying that i put it in wrong :( I killed 2 spiders in my house last week and caught Pascal playing with one and I FREAKED out....call exterminations and eradicated all things that creep, crawl, make webs, have 6 or 8 legs all within the exterior and interior of my home....$149.00 (Superior Pest Control...get at them...they are AWESOME!) well spent if you ask me! I washed Pascal cause I thought he had fleas....again, paranoid....he didn't, but he made me feel like the bath was the most unpleasant thing in his life to date....i had to lure him with snausages to let me dry and brush him out.....sigh....Paranioa SUCKS!


To add insult to injury it's been HELLA HOT in Charlotte, some of my chapters at work are making my job hard, I hear things that go bump in the night, there is no more "we" just me, the house needs some minor maintenance, i need to buy a propane tank for my new grill, i feel like repainting, did i mention it was HELLA HOT?, and i can't seem to find my appetite....you know it's sad when a thick girl can't eat.......so what to do?


Church? Went...had a good cry and shout outs to the musical director for playing all the hits I needed to hear (Eagle's Wings, Here I am Lord, and an especially rousing rendition of Glory to God!) God and I spoke....he told some good stuff and things I need to think about and get back to him on....


Pascal? Working on my relationship with him.....extra long tummy rub sessions, sunbathing, and talking to him....even though he does not talk back.....in the end he's a dog and the only bitches he knows are the girl dogs at the dog park!


Finding other stuff? Yea...i gotta get back out there...not to find a man cause I am not ready for that right yet....but i gotta get out...explore Charlotte, hit up a happy hour...have friends over...celebrate the fact that I turn 28 in two weeks! (FYI...i would like gift cards to Walmart as suitable bday gifts...a new 24hr SuperWalmart just opened nearby and I am obsessed with stimulating the economy!), read, play Tetris, listen to music, try new recipes, inhale...exhale. Get back to my center....get back to being me.....just me.....i need to find the switch...turn on the lights....


Ya'll got any suggestions? I'm all ears....help me, help myself....I trust ya'll....what do you have for me.....I believe in life after love (shout outs to Cher for getting me through the other morning!...click here for classic video!)...i just need a push towards the right direction....but in the dark the right direction is so hard to find.....

Get at me....

3 comments:

mig said...

face each day with whatever feeling come to the surface. cry when you feel like, shout if you feel like, curse if you feel like. do not ignore your emotion, do not trivialize them. the only way out is thru the pain. it will look so dark in that tunnel some days, keeps on walking with faith regardless...

Corrine said...

come back to VA.. lets go to Rios and toast it up.. LOL.. ok that was selfish a little but girl all the things you are saying you will do are the right things... Go to happy hour, do something you love.. hit that gym and hit it hard... but I trust and know that no one knows how to live life better than you Michelle.. and hey my other suggestion is to REST!!! no one know more than your fellow extravert and Cancer that sometimes we need quiet and rest to rejuevenate and polish our shells so we can go back into the world and face whatever it throws at us! SO I said all that to say do you Michelle.. Pascal loves you and so does Keyno.. LOL it sounds like they are soul brothers.. LOL

Corrine said...

Come back to VA.. lets go to Rios and toast it up.. LOL.. ok that was selfish a little but girl all the things you are saying you will do are the right things... Go to happy hour, do something you love.. hit that gym and hit it hard... but I trust and know that no one knows how to live life better than you Michelle.. and hey my other suggestion is to REST!!! no one know more than your fellow extravert and Cancer that sometimes we need quiet and rest to rejuevenate and polish our shells so we can go back into the world and face whatever it throws at us! SO I said all that to say do you Michelle.. Pascal loves you and so does Keyno.. LOL it sounds like they are soul brothers.. LOL