Can someone turn on the lights?....

So blogger friends.....I'm single again.....and IT SUCKS!!!

First off I am getting over heartache and I feel like I am walking around in the dark...kinda lost and feeling gloomy. I am trying to bury myself in work and the dog and life planning....but it's hard and I find myself distracted and unfocused.....the more I try to establish a new routine....the more the pain of my broken heart dominates me head, body, and dare I say it....my soul. I think the pain has manifested in headaches and joint pain...craziness...there is no going back with James and I.....but moving forward....in the dark is not easy.

I think the dog hates me. I think he looks at me and says, "You bitch! You made the tall white one go away and now I have to sit in my crate all day and you are not as fun to play with!" Pascal has mastered that sad puppy dog look and I feel so guilty about him.....I thought I would get him in doggy daycare once a week....but when I called today they inquired if I had him neutered yet and my answer is no (we just kept putting it off for no reason) and they told me that he couldn't come to daycare until I cut off his testicles......sigh.....so I called the Humane Society of Charlotte (which is a really wonderful place and you should donate to them right now!!) and go figure they have a waiting list over a month for the $50 (which is significantly less that my vet!) ball snipping deal!!! Arrrrrgh!!! So my guilt with Pascal continues.....like a mother leaving her child in daycare.....and I try to ease my guilt by taking him on long walks and letting him eat potato salad and shrimp lo mien with me.....yea I know....I'm a bad mommy!!! But you try saying no to his sweet little face!!!

I'm paranoid.....now that I am single again I feel like I can't do anything....stuff James used to take care of like bug killing and air filter replacement and dog washing seem like hard and daunting tasks....I changed the air filters but now everytime the AC goes on it makes an initial sound....weird.....like it's being sucked into place.....implying that i put it in wrong :( I killed 2 spiders in my house last week and caught Pascal playing with one and I FREAKED out....call exterminations and eradicated all things that creep, crawl, make webs, have 6 or 8 legs all within the exterior and interior of my home....$149.00 (Superior Pest Control...get at them...they are AWESOME!) well spent if you ask me! I washed Pascal cause I thought he had fleas....again, paranoid....he didn't, but he made me feel like the bath was the most unpleasant thing in his life to date....i had to lure him with snausages to let me dry and brush him out.....sigh....Paranioa SUCKS!

To add insult to injury it's been HELLA HOT in Charlotte, some of my chapters at work are making my job hard, I hear things that go bump in the night, there is no more "we" just me, the house needs some minor maintenance, i need to buy a propane tank for my new grill, i feel like repainting, did i mention it was HELLA HOT?, and i can't seem to find my appetite....you know it's sad when a thick girl can't eat.......so what to do?

Church? Went...had a good cry and shout outs to the musical director for playing all the hits I needed to hear (Eagle's Wings, Here I am Lord, and an especially rousing rendition of Glory to God!) God and I spoke....he told some good stuff and things I need to think about and get back to him on....

Pascal? Working on my relationship with him.....extra long tummy rub sessions, sunbathing, and talking to him....even though he does not talk back.....in the end he's a dog and the only bitches he knows are the girl dogs at the dog park!

Finding other stuff? Yea...i gotta get back out there...not to find a man cause I am not ready for that right yet....but i gotta get out...explore Charlotte, hit up a happy hour...have friends over...celebrate the fact that I turn 28 in two weeks! (FYI...i would like gift cards to Walmart as suitable bday gifts...a new 24hr SuperWalmart just opened nearby and I am obsessed with stimulating the economy!), read, play Tetris, listen to music, try new recipes, inhale...exhale. Get back to my center....get back to being me.....just me.....i need to find the switch...turn on the lights....

Ya'll got any suggestions? I'm all ears....help me, help myself....I trust ya'll....what do you have for me.....I believe in life after love (shout outs to Cher for getting me through the other morning!...click here for classic video!)...i just need a push towards the right direction....but in the dark the right direction is so hard to find.....

Get at me....

8 months.....I should have never stopped blogging :(

Greetings Blogging Friends!!!

It has been too long since we last spoke and once again I am sorry :( Now I have to tell you about the crazy, ridiculous, and at times painful ride my life has taken.....You ready? Here goes...

November/December

Last time we spoke I was on line voting for Obama for President...YAY he won!! How cool?!! I remember watching the screen on election night with my mouth wide open in shock....I kept sayin, "In my life...in my life." It was really surreal and I was honored to have bared witness to it....one day I will be able to tell my kids where I was when the 1st black president was elected....so cool.

Then I had surgery....Yes, surgery. Remember I told you I had gotten diagnosed with Uterine Fibroids....yea so...early in Dec I went under that knife and literally gave birth to a 4lbs fibriod....GROSS....how gross you want to know? Well here is a pic....I warn you...it's nasty:

It's like having a c-section with no baby! Totally unfulfilling :( But speaking of babies.....my sister told me she was preggers!!! YAY!!! and due in June so that was a pick me up!!!

Most of December was spent recovering and taking it easy....and arguing....yes arguing....with James...you remember him right? The boyfriend...yea our relationship was full of fights....over dumb stuff....stuff i feel like we shouldn't be fighting over....combine that with his lack of communication skills....it was not fun :( Needless to say xmas was spent in separate rooms and so was New Years.....arrrrgh....the writings were on the walls then.....

January

Finally went back to work from med leave and holiday break. I went crazy being on med leave with nothing to do! I am too type A to ever be on any type of "break." I also made a decision to start going back to church.....Now for those of you who know me I am a recovering Roman Catholic....I know you are all thinking, "Wow, but you're black?" Well there are some of us out there! If your parents native country was colonized by Catholic missionaries at one time, you too would be Catholic!!! Anyway....it wasn't like i was making this big commitment to church, but I figured it had been too long since me and God spoke in his house and I was unhappy so I figured what the heck, what could I lose? I will say this about church...I disagree with several things in the Catholic church: Womens' right to choose, what they do with priest who violate children, Pope Benedict's recent stance on AIDS......but I do respect the ritual of sacraments and some of the traditions of my faith and for those reasons I loosely affiliate myself with them....We all need some sort of faith and I guess this is my version :)

February/March/April

All a blur....more fights with James, hiatus from the gym and work...oh there was work....you know how it is in higher ed! Educational trip to MGCA with students, Greek Leadership Conference, DOS duties, Greek Week, hiring a new admin.....work was hecka busy, plus budget cuts....this economy is taking a toll on my ability to fund my area and that makes things really hard. How can you give students a WONDERFUL experience with little funding? I'm an administrator, not a magician! But we trudged on and made it work....what else can we really do?

My soror Antie had her baby Matthew, my other soror is blissfully preggers with her first baby and my sister was still awaiting the birth of my first niece. It's baby season and EVERYONE is having one!!! I'm happy for all of them and greatful for my blatant violation of Catholic doctrine with my IMPLANON firmly in my arm preventing any babies of my own! LOL!

By the end of April I was dragging myself to the finish line of the academic year and preparing for a road trip to FL with Pascal and James to attend my sisters' baby shower!! WOOO HOOO! 13 hours in the car with man and dog!

May

The baby shower was cool and the road trip was not as bad as i thought it would be....I am a frequent flyer so the thought of that much time in the car was NOT appealing....but i didn't have to drive any leg of it so not too bad.....and Pascal tolerated the trip well! It was weird/good to see my sister...I hadn't seen her in over a year and all of a sudden she was 8mos pregnant! Probably should make more of an effort to see family on a more regular basis...She and Kamal looked super happy and it was good to see my mom and rest of the family. They all met James...which proved to be pointless cause our relationship began its final decent when we got back to Charlotte....to be honest it was probably over 4 months prior, but when you are in LOVE you seem to ignore or choose to ignore some fatal relationship flaws: Lying, anger management issues, poor communication, lack of motivation, secrets......yea...I won't go into all the gory details....Let's just say i should have trusted my instincts and joined the "bail out" when the banks got theirs!!

June

So this brings us to June......broke up with James on the 4th...which would have been one month from our 1year anniversary...how poetic....My sister gave birth on the 6th...with is one month from my 28th birthday...which means that my BEAUTIFUL niece Kisaye Michelle James was born exactly 27years and 11months after I was born....She was a welcomed distraction from the heartache I was going through and I hopped on plane and flew to FL on the 7th to see her.....

I am thrilled to be an Aunt or as we say in creole "Tatie" So just call me Tatie Michou! Woo Hoo!! and I am honored to have my name as my niece's middle name!

So as the hot summer of Charlotte starts to unravel....I find myself back on the blog....a year since i started and much has changed....My relationship with James taught me alot about myself and now that I know better I must do better....if not for myself then to show my sweet niece how to be a respectable women who puts herself first.....always....

Pascal, my loyal pet is still by my side and is a constant source of laughs and happiness....he doesn't talk back but he listens really well...and he licks my tears when i cry and get sad :(

So now what? I don't know...what will the summer of '09 bring? We shall see.....you stay tuned....i promise I will be back.....

Get at me.....