Change is not an event...it's a process

So you spend alot of time alone. Not alone as in no friends and solitude and talking to imaginary friends. More like this is my stuff and this is the way I do things and this is where this goes and I like it that way alone. So i have spent alot of time alot. Some of my own doing and some by circumstance. You get used to it...some times are better than others. Like when I wanted to change jobs or pick out my house....don't really have to rely on anyone else but me. I come and go and do as I please and the only person that has to be happy about it is me....cool right? Simple uncomplicated. I have my opinions and views and particulars and they all make sense to me...cause I've discussed them with myslelf...alone...lots of times. I think I have really good opinions...and they are right....because I think so and I agree :) and besides no one have been around to tell me otherwise....infact, I surround myself with people who think like me....and for the most part they agree with my opinions and views and orders....so it makes it right....right?

And then you came along and my orderly opinionated world was messed with....hard.....and i tried to resist..oh i did! You gotta do things my way....and do this and do that....WHY? Cause that's what's hot in the streets? Cause it fits my comfort level and decreases your? Why the power stuggle? the pissing contest? why the resistance to change...change to the unfamiliar...change to the new.....like i wanna change you but really i have to change me....not to a new me.....change as in you be you and I be me and we are cool with that....hummmm the process of change.

My students struggle with change. The changing of rules and policies....new students and new pereception to this Greek Life thing. The chapters that go along with the change with a healthy does of reality and trust will do well and last a long time. The ones that don't....well let's just say I say in two meetings today to discuss the iminate departure of two of my "problem" chapters. Keep up or get left behind....or worse yet...miss out...

I look at my parents' realtionship....mom was willing to change. Her way...the way she grew up, what she was taught and what she beieved to be true. She was willing to change all of that....to save her marriage and make life better for her children.....to vindicate herself. But what happens when one half tries to change and the other side resists? Can change in a marriage be one-sided? Doesn't the other person feel slighted?? Like hey I'm doing all this work here! Can you meet me half way? Dad wasn't gonna change...I don't think he knows the meaning of the word...there is his way and there is no way...you choose...when you don't adapt...when you don't change...you die...very slowly every day...until you are extinct....sad...

I am in the airport this morning...yea it's 5:30am as I write. I'm on my way to Bloomington,IN for an institute for undergraduate fraternity and sorority members...for the next 5 days I'm gonna push 90 young minds to change.....to re-evaluate the way they have been leading their organizations and lead with courage and intergrity...to chage towards the future of the fraternal movement...yeah I volunteered for this! But think of what this change can create! A shifting of thought for the better....Seven years ago this very summer I attended this very same institute and the change in me has been remarkable....the change in how I see my sorority, in career path, in myself...it didn't happen overnight but damn....change is a powerful thing!

And then there is you....changing my mindset and the way I see the world...totally outside my frame of reference and my sphere of influence....telling me about things I have never experienced...like driving above the clouds...that's a cool visual...I want to see that too...you have me changing for the better...looking for a peace in the still puddles of clear blue water that I call your eyes...praying and being open to that change and giving thanks,,,not for me but for you....

I had a minor freak out this week about buying my house...I found myself looking at my checkbook and the realization of a mortage payment hit me square in the face! Panicked thoughts flew around my brain...can I afford this? Am I crazy? Will I be able to buy appliances? And why did I get a dog? How much does puppy chow cost anyway??? When the dust cleared I realized that yes I can do this but some lifestyle choices were going to have to change:no more bidding on COACH handbags and wallets on ebay, no more shopping sprees, no excessive eating out, looking into generic instead of name brand groceries, does everything have to be drycleaned?, coupons are your friend,stay home and entertain, alcohol cost money.....things gotta change. But there are some non-negoitables: Dreadlocks must be maintained,gym is a must have, can't get around gas, and I just like bottled water! Change from the frivlous to the important...

Be committed to change and the ups and downs, joys and pains it brings....embrace what it shows and teaches you...be the change...my flight is taking off now...change is eminent!!!

Get at me....

***excuse the typos...I wrote this on the blackberry!****

July 6, 1981....and today I am 9,862 days old

So I made it. 27 years on this earth (or 324 months...). Whew...I'm tired! A lot has happened in 27 years....I was born....cried and pooped, went through some phases of...er...umm....civil disobedience (my mom would probably disagree with that...lol), crashed a car through a closed garage (mom loved that too!!), partied like a rockstar before I had any right to do so, cheered, shot lay ups, dug and spiked, played some instruments, and even went to band camp. Made some friends, lost some friends, fell, got up, fell again...and got up.


Saw giraffes and lions in a far away place, met a sick little girl in an orphanage named Sophie that gave me ultimate perspective. Played some video games, and won some awards. Pledged a sorority, pledged some others and realized the glitch in the matrix. Learned the difference between actions and words and learned to live with integrity. Graduated and then went back to school to do it all over again....Cheered for the Blue Hens, the Wolfpack, the Patriots and now the 49ers. Lived in NY, DE, NC, VA and then back to NC (can't get enough of that sweet tea!). Cried without the poop...cried for me, for others, for my heart. Oh yea and my heart....it's been in a flutter and it's been put in a blender, mixed with acid and powered high on frappe....several times.....


I've been chubby, fit, athletic, fat, fatter, thick and today well let's just say, "not bad!" I have torn an ACL, torn a lateral meniscus, and partially tore my PCL. Struggled with some hormone deficiencies (damn that thyroid disease), something about some grapefruit sized fibroids and even had butt surgery and lived to talk and laugh about it. Eaten meat and now pescaterian (vegetarian with some fish thrown in there for omega 3 goodness!). Had roommates and had myself....moments of Martha Stewart and moments of out right mess. I have fought...for others and for myself....physically and verbally. I have made some threats and kept most promises.

Lots of number, aconyms, and phrases have filled the last 236,688 hours since my birth: 401K, TiAA-CREF, AFA, ACPA, NASPA, RIP, IRS, 9/11, ZPB, 240 East Fulton, 3 Nixon Court, DPHS, #31, "Return to Sender", "Have you lost your mind", "You wanna hit someone....hit me!", MTV, Nickelodeon, 7/12/98, WTF, BBF, LOL, MP3, "What we had was good, but I fell in love with her", "either you're good or you suck" (McRee), "You're a ROCKSTAR!" (Sopher)....."i feel some type of way..." 1080, 980, 27, $4.09 in GAS!, "Michelle is a smart student, but she talks too much...", litigation, diposed, MasterCard, 11124 Derryrush, 3.2 GPA, 11.4 gm/dl, "you so deserve to be loved sooooooooo deep......nothing less then all" (JG).


I have worked....i have worked hard!...in a daycare, at Carvel, at a Vet, at John Anthony's on the Water (where I learned everything there is to know about wedding planning and mixology!), at Bennigan's and as an RA.....today you can just call me Associate Dean :) I have screamed, yelled, pouted, shutdown, opened up. I had religion, lost it, and then found it in a monestary. I have been a good girl, a bad girl and at times a down right naughty girl. I have travelled, I have facilitated...most times I travel and facilitate. There have been 2 car accidents, both not my fault...but there have been several traffic violations (ugggghhh I-85..."I swear officer I wasn't going that fast!").


There have some real let downs.....U of Richmond, U of Maryland, Student Body President, Spirit Ambassador, CH, RB, JF and of course dad...to name a few...but you gotta see darkness before you see light right? So the let downs just made way for amazing highlights!: UD, NC State, Outstanding Graduate Student, mom and you...JG (wink).....the best is yet to come right?

Inhale, exhale...27 years is a long time and a lot has happened.....I guess this is what they call life....I wasn't really looking forward to 27....I just wanted today to wash over me. I have hit the late 20's and the melodramatic part of me feels like I have one foot in the grave....however looking back on the things, places, and people who have shaped who I am, today on the 27th year of my life i feel ok...even good and ready to attack another year.....or maybe 27 more years....Here's to 27 more and thank you to those that have made it wonderful!!!

Get at me....