Change is not an event...it's a process

So you spend alot of time alone. Not alone as in no friends and solitude and talking to imaginary friends. More like this is my stuff and this is the way I do things and this is where this goes and I like it that way alone. So i have spent alot of time alot. Some of my own doing and some by circumstance. You get used to it...some times are better than others. Like when I wanted to change jobs or pick out my house....don't really have to rely on anyone else but me. I come and go and do as I please and the only person that has to be happy about it is me....cool right? Simple uncomplicated. I have my opinions and views and particulars and they all make sense to me...cause I've discussed them with myslelf...alone...lots of times. I think I have really good opinions...and they are right....because I think so and I agree :) and besides no one have been around to tell me otherwise....infact, I surround myself with people who think like me....and for the most part they agree with my opinions and views and orders....so it makes it right....right?

And then you came along and my orderly opinionated world was messed with....hard.....and i tried to resist..oh i did! You gotta do things my way....and do this and do that....WHY? Cause that's what's hot in the streets? Cause it fits my comfort level and decreases your? Why the power stuggle? the pissing contest? why the resistance to change...change to the unfamiliar...change to the new.....like i wanna change you but really i have to change me....not to a new me.....change as in you be you and I be me and we are cool with that....hummmm the process of change.

My students struggle with change. The changing of rules and policies....new students and new pereception to this Greek Life thing. The chapters that go along with the change with a healthy does of reality and trust will do well and last a long time. The ones that don't....well let's just say I say in two meetings today to discuss the iminate departure of two of my "problem" chapters. Keep up or get left behind....or worse yet...miss out...

I look at my parents' realtionship....mom was willing to change. Her way...the way she grew up, what she was taught and what she beieved to be true. She was willing to change all of that....to save her marriage and make life better for her children.....to vindicate herself. But what happens when one half tries to change and the other side resists? Can change in a marriage be one-sided? Doesn't the other person feel slighted?? Like hey I'm doing all this work here! Can you meet me half way? Dad wasn't gonna change...I don't think he knows the meaning of the word...there is his way and there is no way...you choose...when you don't adapt...when you don't change...you die...very slowly every day...until you are extinct....sad...

I am in the airport this morning...yea it's 5:30am as I write. I'm on my way to Bloomington,IN for an institute for undergraduate fraternity and sorority members...for the next 5 days I'm gonna push 90 young minds to change.....to re-evaluate the way they have been leading their organizations and lead with courage and intergrity...to chage towards the future of the fraternal movement...yeah I volunteered for this! But think of what this change can create! A shifting of thought for the better....Seven years ago this very summer I attended this very same institute and the change in me has been remarkable....the change in how I see my sorority, in career path, in myself...it didn't happen overnight but damn....change is a powerful thing!

And then there is you....changing my mindset and the way I see the world...totally outside my frame of reference and my sphere of influence....telling me about things I have never experienced...like driving above the clouds...that's a cool visual...I want to see that too...you have me changing for the better...looking for a peace in the still puddles of clear blue water that I call your eyes...praying and being open to that change and giving thanks,,,not for me but for you....

I had a minor freak out this week about buying my house...I found myself looking at my checkbook and the realization of a mortage payment hit me square in the face! Panicked thoughts flew around my brain...can I afford this? Am I crazy? Will I be able to buy appliances? And why did I get a dog? How much does puppy chow cost anyway??? When the dust cleared I realized that yes I can do this but some lifestyle choices were going to have to change:no more bidding on COACH handbags and wallets on ebay, no more shopping sprees, no excessive eating out, looking into generic instead of name brand groceries, does everything have to be drycleaned?, coupons are your friend,stay home and entertain, alcohol cost money.....things gotta change. But there are some non-negoitables: Dreadlocks must be maintained,gym is a must have, can't get around gas, and I just like bottled water! Change from the frivlous to the important...

Be committed to change and the ups and downs, joys and pains it brings....embrace what it shows and teaches you...be the change...my flight is taking off now...change is eminent!!!

Get at me....

***excuse the typos...I wrote this on the blackberry!****

July 6, 1981....and today I am 9,862 days old

So I made it. 27 years on this earth (or 324 months...). Whew...I'm tired! A lot has happened in 27 years....I was born....cried and pooped, went through some phases of...er...umm....civil disobedience (my mom would probably disagree with that...lol), crashed a car through a closed garage (mom loved that too!!), partied like a rockstar before I had any right to do so, cheered, shot lay ups, dug and spiked, played some instruments, and even went to band camp. Made some friends, lost some friends, fell, got up, fell again...and got up.


Saw giraffes and lions in a far away place, met a sick little girl in an orphanage named Sophie that gave me ultimate perspective. Played some video games, and won some awards. Pledged a sorority, pledged some others and realized the glitch in the matrix. Learned the difference between actions and words and learned to live with integrity. Graduated and then went back to school to do it all over again....Cheered for the Blue Hens, the Wolfpack, the Patriots and now the 49ers. Lived in NY, DE, NC, VA and then back to NC (can't get enough of that sweet tea!). Cried without the poop...cried for me, for others, for my heart. Oh yea and my heart....it's been in a flutter and it's been put in a blender, mixed with acid and powered high on frappe....several times.....


I've been chubby, fit, athletic, fat, fatter, thick and today well let's just say, "not bad!" I have torn an ACL, torn a lateral meniscus, and partially tore my PCL. Struggled with some hormone deficiencies (damn that thyroid disease), something about some grapefruit sized fibroids and even had butt surgery and lived to talk and laugh about it. Eaten meat and now pescaterian (vegetarian with some fish thrown in there for omega 3 goodness!). Had roommates and had myself....moments of Martha Stewart and moments of out right mess. I have fought...for others and for myself....physically and verbally. I have made some threats and kept most promises.

Lots of number, aconyms, and phrases have filled the last 236,688 hours since my birth: 401K, TiAA-CREF, AFA, ACPA, NASPA, RIP, IRS, 9/11, ZPB, 240 East Fulton, 3 Nixon Court, DPHS, #31, "Return to Sender", "Have you lost your mind", "You wanna hit someone....hit me!", MTV, Nickelodeon, 7/12/98, WTF, BBF, LOL, MP3, "What we had was good, but I fell in love with her", "either you're good or you suck" (McRee), "You're a ROCKSTAR!" (Sopher)....."i feel some type of way..." 1080, 980, 27, $4.09 in GAS!, "Michelle is a smart student, but she talks too much...", litigation, diposed, MasterCard, 11124 Derryrush, 3.2 GPA, 11.4 gm/dl, "you so deserve to be loved sooooooooo deep......nothing less then all" (JG).


I have worked....i have worked hard!...in a daycare, at Carvel, at a Vet, at John Anthony's on the Water (where I learned everything there is to know about wedding planning and mixology!), at Bennigan's and as an RA.....today you can just call me Associate Dean :) I have screamed, yelled, pouted, shutdown, opened up. I had religion, lost it, and then found it in a monestary. I have been a good girl, a bad girl and at times a down right naughty girl. I have travelled, I have facilitated...most times I travel and facilitate. There have been 2 car accidents, both not my fault...but there have been several traffic violations (ugggghhh I-85..."I swear officer I wasn't going that fast!").


There have some real let downs.....U of Richmond, U of Maryland, Student Body President, Spirit Ambassador, CH, RB, JF and of course dad...to name a few...but you gotta see darkness before you see light right? So the let downs just made way for amazing highlights!: UD, NC State, Outstanding Graduate Student, mom and you...JG (wink).....the best is yet to come right?

Inhale, exhale...27 years is a long time and a lot has happened.....I guess this is what they call life....I wasn't really looking forward to 27....I just wanted today to wash over me. I have hit the late 20's and the melodramatic part of me feels like I have one foot in the grave....however looking back on the things, places, and people who have shaped who I am, today on the 27th year of my life i feel ok...even good and ready to attack another year.....or maybe 27 more years....Here's to 27 more and thank you to those that have made it wonderful!!!

Get at me....

Slowly, Surely.....

"Slowly surely, I walk away from that old desperate and dazed love caught up in the maze of love the crazy craze of love, thought it was good, thought it was real, thought it was, but it wasn't love I just don't know Where i should go So Slowly surely I walk away from self-serving undeserving constantly hurting me love deserting me love you said, I said, we said but Slowly surely I walk away from confusing love misusing love abusing love this can't be Slowly surely I walk away from self serving undeserving constantly hurting me love I just don't know where I should go No I just don't know know, know, know Where I should go so...."

I went to the Jill Scott concert last night....and as she sang the above lyrics I almost cried....First off, Ms. Jill Scott is PHENOMENAL!!! and the concert was just off the hook!! If you don't get down with this artist....you should start....she spits TRUTH!!!! and if you ever have the opportunity to see her in person you should....SIMPLY GOOD MUSIC!!!.....So back to the lyrics.....As i internalized these words I realized that what she was saying was a mirror of the direction that I want to move....where my live is going right now. Music has a way of bringing so much to the surface.

Slowly,surely.....I'm letting go of past crap...stuff people have said and done to me...I'm trying to move past it. There is so much i confused for like/love...from so many different directions...my dad, the long string of guys, fake friends, myself..."thought is was good, thought is was real, thought it was, but it wasn't love" Those are some serious words right there.... Have you ever been in such a blur that it becomes reality. It becomes the story of your life....that is completely made up in your head.....because you couldn't move past it...does that sound crazy? That is the only way I can say it.... "i walk away from..."

So where am I walking towards? "I just don't know...where I should go..."

I had an interesting conversation with a colleague of mine today.....it was a little scary being that she is 10 years my senior...but her life is exactly where mine is: Single, successful, got some baggage...but fly...so fly....I couldn't help but think....is this what I am walking towards? "slowly, surely..." At 37 yrs old I would hope that I am not in that same state as I am today....older and wiser but still longing for the completion?....But, what struck me the most about her and our conversation was the faith she had.....that there was a bigger plan and she....and even me....need to sit back and relax....let things come to me. Stop getting caught up in the blur...in the analyzing, the self deprecating behavior.....submit to the fact that a higher power has a plan for us and stop trying to mess with it. Why do I insist on questioning and messing with destiny....when humans and human behavior are involved...the reality is...you have NO power over it.....so let go.....

Every time I think about what I don't have....i forget...all the stuff i do have:
-I breathe
-I can think
-I have use of my body and all my faculties
-I have traveled
-I eat, drink, and sometimes I'm even merry :)
-I can get from here to there
-I have my mom and she is soooo fly
-I have a sibling to look up to and sometimes I think she looks up to me too :)
-I have job....no not a job....A CAREER
-I have goals and dreams.....and the capacity to make them reality
-I think...for myself

This list can go on and on.....the reality is that I have more in the plus column than I do in the minus....i gotta stop dwelling in the minus....slowly, surely....i gotta have a little more faith....slowly, surely....I need to put myself out in the world...on my own terms...slowly, surely...I need to stop being afraid and frustrated....slowly, surely......and as i walk away from the old, and embrace the new...I pray that I can tell the difference.....

It's short tonite....i think i said something....something kinda deep.....i think they call this an epiphany....:)

Get at me...

Lord!!! Take me!!! Not my CPU!!!

There is a short list of material things I cannot live without: Peanut Butter, my Blackberry, my car, and probably the most important....my COMPUTER. Next to my car it is the most expensive thing I own and I literally use it everyday. I could go days without talking to a single live person....but as long as I have my laptop....my sweet SONY VIAO....i feel connected to the world. It is a primary source of communication thanks to IM, Facebook and Myspace....it holds memories suspended in time through pictures....11.3GB worth (for those of you who are not computer savvy.....that is over 7,000 pictures). It holds my music collection....even though it is not as extensive as others it holds the tunes that make me smile, make me cry, take be back in the day and makes me workout harder. It holds every powerpoint, presentation, and important document that I have ever written and executed. My laptop has been my constant companion through singledom and the "joys"of Internet dating. She is my TV Guide and my cookbook. My instant driving direction guide and virtual shopping mall. Affectionately know as SUPAH SONY, she is like my security blanket and child all wrapped into one.

So imagine my horror, when this afternoon....she malfunctioned...hard. I scooped her up in my arms...cradled her....asked her gently what was wrong and to show me where is hurt so I could make it feel better....and to no avail....I had to rush her to the hospital....also known as Best Buy.

With service plan in hand I walked right up to the Geek Squad counter and the first thing out of my mouth was, "Fix her...NOW!" The service guy looked at me, unamused and took me through a series of questions...poked and prodded my machine and $222.10 later....he told me she had several viruses, trojans, and spyware creeping around the hard drive. UGGGGGHHH!!!! When did my computer become such a whore!! and let all these CTD's (Computer Transmitted Diseases) infiltrate her temple!!! Then the service rep...David is his name....told me that it would take 2-3 days to fix. WHAT??!!!! WHAT??!!! When I tell you panic set in, I kid you not! What was I gonna do without my computer for 3 days? How was I gonna talk to people, send email, amuse myself when I became bored?? All I could think about was my empty apartment and me staring at the wall (probably begging it to talk to me...again....:)
Then I snapped out of it...because I remembered...I have a backup laptop at home....OH JOY!

But let's take a step back....my panic was real. I think I even broke a sweat....why? The answer is easy, I have become completely and totally dependent on technology. I feel lost without it. It is so ingrained in my daily life I don't know how to unplug. Between the blackberry, laptop and TV I am so plugged in and information is always but mere keystrokes away. Wow....how did I get here? What did I do before all these gadgets?

I used to read more. I would inhale books in days if not hours. Not how to books...books about fantasy and adventure. I would feed my mind and at one point I wanted to write children's books. I used to LOVE horror/scary novels. Dean Koontz and Stephen King were my faves. I would read every night before I went to bed, in the bathroom, on the floor...wherever. I miss books...i miss reading.

I used to be less regimented. My days and nights live by a constant schedule and around must see TV shows. I race home from the gym to shower so I can be in front of the TV for Grey's Anatomy or Law and Order or So You Think You Can Dance. I check my blackberry constantly throughout the day so it can tell me where I am supposed to be or what email needs a reply right now. I remember a Michelle that used to just go with the flow and if she couldn't make it to the TV on time she would just set her VCR and watch the show....later. I miss the flexibility of my time.

I used to interact with people face to face. Have real conversations with real friends about real things. Now I have stunted conversations over text messages, emails, and IM chats. It's hard to read emotions and feelings through a screen....sometimes you just have to be there to read the body language, to hear the inflection in tone of voice and the movement of the facial features. I think all of us have fallen victim to this. I see it in my students....they can't carry a conversation at all....it's sad. They don't practice the art of REAL conversation and when they have to do it....they fall flat...I even know some adults like that. Think about it....when was the last real deep conversation you had....face to face? I miss human contact.

Sometimes I think about what we all did before technology took over our lives? What did people do before the microwave? Did they use the oven and stove? How did people do their jobs with out email? Were there more faxes? How did we pay our bills? Did we actually send stuff via the mail....with a stamp? Are we better for technology? or has it just made us lazy and dependent? I hate to say it but I think it's the latter. Even as I write this blog from the backup laptop....i'm going to make a conscience decision to unplug while my other laptop is being fixed. I'm gonna turn off the IM, put the phone on silent, turn off the TV and find a book that I've been meaning to read and actually finish it. I might go out....find a place where there are other people....and talk to them....imagine that. Wish me luck....I would say that I will keep you posted....but maybe we should meet up and talk instead :)

Get at me...

Summer of Love

So why is everyone around me in love? What's up with that? I got people in my circle getting engaged, getting married, staying married. I got old foes finding love and setting up wedding websites sharing their bliss far and wide for the world to see. I got young bucks who where just blowing up my phone settlin' down....really?...yea....really! Am I hatin? Hell yes!!! Let me complain for just one minute....I have NEVER had a true Valentine. I have not said the words I LOVE YOU nor has anyone EVER said them to me...you know...in "that" way...in fact if someone said them to me I would probably say something like, "Who me?? Nah you mean the Michelle over there."
No friends! what I have had is disappointments, failures, and front row seats to people doing the Mexican hat dance on on my heart......that felt really good :( ......Jerk....you know who you are.....

But here is my bridge to help me get over it. This summer....this very hot and fresh summer, as I crawl through the 17 days that lead up to my 27th birthday.....this summer friends will be the SUMMER of LOVE!!!! No, no...not looking for some boo or some guy to keep my bed warm....nope! This summer I'm gonna fall in LOVE with ME!!!! All of me!!! All 243lbs....yea I said it..that was hard....i don't look it (thank god)...BUT...that's how much I weigh....u surprised? Believe it or not that's what my body is doing...according to the scale. So how do I fall in love with my body. Well everyday i'm gonna look at it...naked....tell it nice things like, "Your're not perfect, and the little belly fat thing is not cute...but you have killer shoulders and I love what you've done with your calves." I'm gonna workout....like I always do....but push just a little more. Today in the gym I stepped up the incline, speed and time of running on the treadmill. It's not about being a size 2....it's about loving a healthy body. And it's working....I went shopping last week in a store that I had not brought clothes in for a really long time....we're talking like years....and I brought a lot of clothes....that fit....imagine that...That felt really good....I LOVE THAT!

I'm gonna fall in love with my mind...my brilliant, fantastic, powerful mind. Something really challenged me today....there are HATERS in the streets....like SERIOUS HATERS and they are really trying to block my thoughts and words because they know that the TRUTH I speak will expose their inefficiency and ineffectiveness...sad...so sad....so they make up lies....LIES!!!! craziness and these are adults! I got mad and even frustrated.....but then I realized that I was BRILLIANT! and I cannot be stopped...imagine that.....I sat outside, alone, at work....I looked up the serenity prayer on my blackberry...said it....and felt better....:) I'm letting go....people are gonna do what they are gonna do and I can only control me....my mind....my actions. I know that I am talented and everyday I am gonna celebrate that....LOVE that sexy mind....

I'm gonna fall in love with my personality....my humor, my kindness and even the bitchiness. I'm a good person. To know me is to love me and who knows me better than ME??? People like me....I have good friends, I keep it real...I'm not awkward, I can carry a conversation with anyone...or anything....I once spoke to a wall for an entire hour......it had a lot to say...people always leaning on it....fascinating stuff :) I make people laugh but more importantly I make myself laugh. I put others at ease and I brigthten days....I can keep it SUPER real! I am honest and I say what is on my mind....I speak now for fear of not being able to speak later. I challenge and support....I can anger....myself and others....but I am NEVER afraid to see the other perspective. I have my off days...but most of my days are on.....people call on me for advice and reality checks...I'm a good person....my aurora is electric....How fly am I??? So fly.....I LOVE the woman I have become....the good, the great, and the just ok.

I'm gonna fall in love with my SOUL. I'm going to start cutting out the people and the impurities that seek to tarnish my soul....Like you guys who keep blowing up my phone....yea you know who you are....stop calling me.....because you are a reminder of me not loving myself....you are the relics of a soul-less Michelle that fed on your empty calories instead of seeking out substantive nourishment for my soul...and you saw me starving and you took advantage of that...and I let you....sad....:( I don't blame you...I blame me, but now that I know better, I GOTTA DO BETTER!...so stop calling, texting, and IMing me...Thanks! I will seek out only things that make me feel good in the long term....not in the immediate present. I want to have conversations that tickle my spirit and stimulate my core. I want to meet new people that have a zest for life and inspire me to be better..... I know that in loving my soul....that is the only way I can REALLY...and HOLISTICALLY LOVE ME.....chew on that.

So let the SUMMER of LOVE begin!!! YAY!!! LOVE is in the air.....the LOVERS of SELF!!! this is our time...you don't have to bring a partner....just come with me....are you ready to LOVE you???

Get at me....

This is me....are you impressed?

So there is a saying that says: "You never get a second chance to make a first impression." Never truer words were ever spoken. Today I found myself thinking about first impressions and what impression do I give off. In the last 27 years how have I presented myself to the outside world? To friends, to strangers, to colleagues. Am I annoying? Funny? Memorable or forgettable?....oh c'mon on now!!! Ya'll know that I am many things...but forgettable is not one of them!!! LOL....:)


I can tell in the first minute of meeting someone if I am going to like them or not....What they say, how they say it and the vibe they put out is all apparent and I think I am a pretty perceptive person. I find that alot of people are fronting....alot....putting on airs and pretending that they are someone or something they are not.....even worse...they underestimate who I am and that I see right through them.


I met some of my new students today....the first thing one cocky young man said to me was, "So what are you gonna do for this community?" No hi, no how are you and welcome to Charlotte...no, he wanted to know what I was gonna do for him. Clearly pumped up on too much testosterone and his own ego....i replied, "Well, I've see your chapters' grade report and i'm not impressed, so I guess the first thing I'm gonna do is ask you to step your game up....that shut him up and he got the message....I'm not the one to be messed with.... His first impression of me: She's not playing.


I try to come off as a funny and outgoing person all the time. I think it's the real me....but maybe it is the real me that I put on for the world. I want the impression that people get of me to be wow....I like her! She's full of energy!...it's really draining.... I'm not sure why I want that since at home I am devoid of energy and kinda quite....my closest friends and family know that to be very true. I only hit people with the I'm not playing when I fell like I have establish my authority....mainly with my students so they behave and ignorant adults so they stay out of my face....you get the point. It's weird....when I'm not the high energy girl....people think something is wrong....it makes them uncomfortable....

I wonder...how do people really see me and what is their first impression...hey... some of you who know me...what was your first impression...mom, don't answer!!! you gave birth to me....my hope is that your impression was she's soooo cute :) but to the rest of you.....is it different than what I think I put out?

There is this concept called Johari's Window:

In layman's terms the window kinda shows your four areas of what you communicate to others and yourself. Top left window is what you show to the world and what the world sees, top right others see but you don't, lower left is you fronting!!! Known to you but not known to the world and bottom right is unknown to you and them....you see how impressions play into this....read up on it....google it....or better yet got to the library and take out a book......:)

I can dig this model because I wonder what my blind spot is...I kinda know what my facade is....I say I'm happy when I'm not....but what is my unknown....is that the inner, inner me??? Hummmm....food for thought.

The first impression of customer service is major too....like restaurants or brands or services. I was in my apartment complex the other day and I was trying to talk to the rep about my lease and randomly her son walks in....i guess they all live in the complex.....but he totally interrupts our conversation and even though his mother kept telling him that she was working...he kept talking....about some girl and if his mother saw her...get a life!!....and this guy was over 25 years old!!!! So in my head he will always be the inappropriate and immature adult....see how that first impression just sticks? Because of first impressions I will never buy a Sansa Mp3 player again, I won't eat green olives, and I will try to stay out of my complex office....LOL

So I'm planning on meeting this new guy this weekend on a date....yea, I will keep ya'll posted....i'm trying to make a good impression...i don't want to front or be untrue..sight unseen we have had really good conversations....so the first impression has been made already right?....i'm gonna just be me and I hope that is good enough....i guess it doesn't matter if it is good enough for him...being true to me is the only impression I need to make...:)

Get at me....

Say something nice to me....

What is it about compliments? For a long time I couldn't even receive one with the right response. My father or as I like to refer to him: The man who donated a couple of chromosomes to me, once told me I had a big nose and I was ugly. I was pretty young at the time….you know that age when you believe anything your parents say….yea that’s a scary time. But anyway, not having children of my own I know being a parent doesn’t come with a training manual and you probably just wing it and use common sense. However, I do know this….the first place a girl learns about men and how she should view herself with men and how men should view her is from the relationship with her father. So dad’s have that extra responsibility to instill some self esteem into their girls so from a young age they know they are beautiful, special, and should always be treated with respect. This is my own theory, but I’m sure some of you can back me up on this.

So thanks to the genius that is my father, my self esteem has always been a bit on the low side…mainly when it come to physical beauty. It took me a long time to consider myself pretty and I will ONLY claim that when I am wearing makeup and in the appropriate lighting! And as for compliments, well that is still up in the air. When someone used to say, “you look very nice today” my first reaction and response was to negate the sentiment with a , “oh no I look like crap,” or “you are just saying that, I look horrible.” The proper answer, regardless if I believed it or not I should have said, “Thank You.” But I just couldn't take the nice gesture….it was almost like I had been socialized or programmed to believe that it was not true and I could not be worthy of such praise….scary right!

Over time my self esteem has gone up a notch and I think in college I began returning compliments with the appropriate response. But here is the more complicated part and this is really gonna trip you out. It goes back to men and how we as women see ourselves through their eyes…..are you ready?....this is gonna be harsh….try not to judge me too hard: I will only believe a compliment is true ( and I am speaking of compliments of physical aesthetics only…I know I am the ish in other parts of my life!!!)…if a man tells me….I know, I’m messed up…..:( Friends or family that are female can shower me with compliments all day long and I will say Thank You but internally, I won’t believe it or feel it until a man says it. It’s almost like it is not good enough from just anyone…it HAS to be from the opposite sex….When a guy says it then it has to be true….well at least that is what I think in my head. Women give compliments to be nice and Men give them cause it’s true…..jacked up logic huh…..but I can’t help the way I feel and one day I will pay a therapist lots of money to undo my way of thinking…..today is not the day and tomorrow doesn’t look any better…Hey knowing if half the battle (GI JOE!!)

Let’s go one level deeper on this whole compliment thing…..this is what sparked this blog idea for me.

So it is no secret that I have ventured in online dating in various mediums and websites (this could be a whole other blog….man do I have some stories!) Anyway…..through my adventures you know who gives me the most attention and compliments? White men….they are really free with compliments and will give then regularly and in a sincere matter. The other night as I was chatting with this one guy online...he said, “Michelle you are a very beautiful woman.” I said thank you very much and informed him that no one had said that to me in a very long time, He was stunned and questioned how I couldn’t possibly get compliments all the time……that got me thinking….Who was the last black man who paid me such a compliment……I couldn’t recall…you think I would be able to since I put soooo much stock in these things….i racked my brain…..there were pseudo-compliments: You have great breast (which unless you are a stripper or a private dancer that is not really a nice or appropriate compliment), You have thick thighs, nice butt…you have sexy lips….etc. Most of these pseudo-compliments came from a place of sexual intentions…..so not legit. I finally found one in my memory bank…..July 6, 2007….my birthday of last year….two old friends of my mine from college told me that in all the years they had known me that they had never seen as beautiful as I looked that evening…..that was nice…..i was really flattered…..I DID look pretty fly that night….

But back to the point, black men don’t give compliments to me.... they are not genuine and honest and coming from a place of purity instead of their from theor loins....CRAZY…..and yet white men give me compliments left and right…Have the black men in America been so brain washed by the media and degradation of black women by the hands of BET, that they can’t see the simple beauty in their black sistahs? Are they numb or ignorant to the essence of pretty smile, bright eyes and a great laugh….only seeing a fat ass, nice rack and the potential to get between the thighs?......sad if it is true. With women….at least with me….it’s that little things that count. It’s a shame that with all the black men I have interacted with through this online dating….it was this white guy that paid me a sincere compliment…..and I believed him….

I should be able to look in the mirror everyday and tell myself that I am beautiful inside and out….regardless of how I look and feel…..i’m trying…everyday it gets easier….I guess I have to make it a habit. It doesn’t matter what other people say…..If I can’t believe myself, I will never truly believe anyone else…right? This blog post made me feel pretty.....really pretty…..:)

Get at me….